You Say I'm Crazy I Say I'm Passionate. Hymn To The Sea

Tonight i watched my favourite film and in my opinion the saddest, for the first time in 10 years
Titanic went to the cinema in 1997 and i remember it so clearly, i was only seven years old and my dad took Tom and i, and i remember sitting in my chair and Tom was on my left letting the folding chair eat him because the pounding water scared him. If he had maybe faced his fears and looked at me he would have seen an emotion he'd never seen me wear before, but one that he would see more and more as i got older and more thoughtful and solitary and unstable. i was only 7 but i remember that it was the saddest i'd ever felt and i hoped and hoped not that i would find love and have it snatched away within a matter of days, but just that i could have that and die if that's what had to happen
10 years later i'm 17 and Rose was seventeen when she met Jack so i thought it time that i finally watch again. i'd put it off for sooooososososo long because i kinda didn't want to cry but i did watch it and i cried so much! it made me feel so many things but already half of those feelings have gone but

but
i think that was what i mainly felt... nothing lasts forever ..kinda? everything goes. and everyone is so small in the great scheme of things
Jack and Rose, fictional or not (take your pick the debate is forever ripe), found the most beautiful and astounding love, perhaps one in a million, one in a hundred million would have a glimpse of something similar. but there are six billion six hundred two million two hundred twenty-four thousand one hundred seventy-five people on our planet alone!! it's so special but so what?
if your main aim was to be remembered, you'd be screwed. Jack won his tickets on the maiden voyage of Titanic therefore there was no record of his time on Titanic. his parents died when he was 15, he had no siblings. travelling the world as he pleased, he had no ties anywhere. Rose was the most important person in his life and, really, the only person, and now he's dead he only is remembered in Rose's memory but she's 101 she's JUST ABOUT FUCKING DEAD and she lived for you Jack she never let go of the promise but everything ends and the most amazing person in the world leaves no trace of himself, she goes and he dies again, his existence disappears, did he even exist?

i always thought i wanted to be remembered but it seems a stupid quest which i don't really intend to embark upon in this life anymore. People always say 17 is so young but are you crazy?! it's not. Jack died when he was 20 and Rose lost Jack when she was 17 and time flies so fast that before i know it i'll be dead or have done nothing i'm proud of. i'm not going to wait another 10 years for a realisation like this, i seriously have to get out of this fucking country and find something worth living, or dieing for. i want that love and that feeling of self sacrifice that i've never had because my life is running out in all senses! i don't care if i die just as i've discovered something worthwhile, because that's better than meandering around until you're 30 or 50 or 100 and your looks and soul have withered with your pointless existence, and all hope is gone. i don't care if i'm not remembered and if my memory dies with the only person i ever shared my life with because i'm in this for me, and only those i care about. i guess you only do get one life and knowing me i'll be killed or i'll kill myself before it starts losing momentum BECAUSE THAT'S A LIFE WORTH BEING LIVED, isn't it!?
i just don't care if it rips me apart or worse, i'm 17 and i have about 5 months left until i'm an 'adult' and i just can't fucking handle that, i have to get outta here in 4 months tops and be small in the big scheme of things and be forgotten in the uncontrollable death of things and be passionate and just generally live. love and be loved and then be forgotten
it's the role i was handed it's the luck i plan to find

no one lasts forever so follow your dreams and do it quickly, if love is what you want do it and then be done with it. it's your wonderful life but billions of other people have theirs too, don't waste time with tactics and making an eternal mark, it's in vanity. the unsinkable ship will sink, you be sure of it, so do what you have to do before it sinks or even better get killed in the process, in the intensity of it.
however many tears, i know i plan to!

"Make it count"