I'm against nature. I'm not cool with nature

Even the less outwardly temperamental Artist still has at best a slightly tangential relationship with the real world. This is because the real world gets in the way of the important business of life- namely showing off, daydreaming and coming up with ideas. Ideas that are equally as likely to be strokes of unparalleled genius as the nonsensical gibberings of the seriously unhinged. Not that anyone is allowed to ever imply they're the latter. Then the defences go up again. Whether that means sulky moods or screaming, the result is the same. Everyone must rush round until things are safely back to normal again. "Normal" in this case meaning that The Artist is safely insulated from workaday hassle. Do not expect such favours in return though. For someone so sensitive to their own treatment, the Artist has a peculiar blind-spot when it comes to the feelings of anyone else at all.

This is so stupid, what i was thinking i can't be sure but i think it's safe to say that i've done what is always lurking around the corner (in my case) and succumbed to a different personality eating me up. It's OK i don't mind being a chameleon it means no one can ever get TOO close. What i am i don't know, but i am certain that i don't have the right state of mind or right state of arse to sit and type my thoughts into a computer, anymore! Any motherfuckers who read this my new outlook says fuck you for being so stupid and reading my brain drivel but a tiny fighting scrap of old me says i like you, man.
Until i change i am happy leaving all these thoughts swirling in the ravine scattered with skeleton trees and vultures, that is, my BLACK, BLACK SOUL.
MWA

Oh, and

tonight in a discussion between my boss, Jesse and myself my role as a female was brought up in relation to dating and girls who date a lot and my boss said

"But i'm sure you understand"
Me (casual)- "no not at all i never have and never will be in that situation!"
Boss- "What! well wait until you get to Europe then and you fall in love with a french man/ all the french men"
Me (casual)- "probably but it still wont happen because guys aren't attracted to me."
Boss- "What? why?"
Me (matter of factly)- "Because i'm so masculine."
Boss- "You're not masculine! You're a girly girl!"

GIRLY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!!!!!!WQ11111

Me (dumbfounded)- "whatttttt! no i'm so masculine i'm like the most masculine girl ever"
Jesse- "Yeah she really is, apart from me maybe!"
Boss- "Nooo! Berj always says how feminine you are"
Me- "huh?! Is he blind and clearly missing something blatant?"
Boss- "But what about the clothes you wear, and your long hair! they are very girly and feminine"
Me- "uh not really maybe kind of recently, but i'm not talking about that i'm talking about my masculine energy i'm just weird in my interests and it's safe to say that i have the aura of a boy"

The conversation went on like this for a while and i don't think my boss understood that i was talking about my "masculine energy" not my looks and now i think she thinks that i think i'm boyish looking and probably look in the mirror sighing "oh i have such a masculine face"
haha
no
my face is a girl face

but holy crap they think i am a girly girl!!!!! i can't work out if i'm happy or sad at that analogy. i think i'm happy i've never been the girly girl or thought my clothes were feminine

My life is flipping upside down! maybe now i'll pull some hot surfer bAbeSsss
but hopefully not

Funday

Perfection is hard to come by and perhaps it wouldn't be so nice if it happened because flaws create more love, which is why, ultimately, today was perfect (in a Rachel sense)

Fuck Jess and I had to get up real early, like 8am or some crap, but it was because of a lovely breakfast we were going to which really did turn out to be quite lovely! Banana pancakes are clearly sensational to the tastebuds and i laughed quite a lot with an incredibly broad mix of people. Then we made the journey to dee why in Stu Hutch's car with an unintrusive and flowing blend of The Smiths to compliment the unintrusive and flowing character that is S. Hutchinson. We had so many games of bowling and i started off like some fucking lesbian bowler with a hardcore aim and fluke but i guess luckily that persona of mine was dropped and swapped with jesse but then we both lost it and just became stupid girls who chucked the ball at the pins in the hope of a score more than 0. (not rewarded many times thanks to lack of gutters.) Jackie bought us drinks and paid for our games and it was just such a friendly atmosphere. Once again S. Hutchinson dropped us home, after a stop at McDonalds where he eats a mass load of food! Then we went to work with the prospect of a flawed day but although perhaps slightly flawed the merriment only continued as the free food continued and we got chilli burgers and a casual night + money.

And then i had lots of missed calls and texts on my phone from all the people i love which may seem petty but doesn't everyone like to feel loved by their loved ones? dur

Oh and everything today was absolutely free we didn't pay a single cent for an expensive breakfast, travel to another suburb, drinks and games of bowling, travel back to another suburb, burgers and juice. We got paid for doing cinch work. Fuck yeah! The only mild flaws of getting up early and the prospect of bowling are actually now traits embraced in my mind

Neverland

Tonight on the train home when we passed milsons point and Jesse exclaimed "woah Luna Park still exists!" Phil said "Rachel, doesn't it feel like you have been seventeen forever."

I thought about it and let it run through my mind and my answer was, "Yeah"

I have been seventeen for so long and then i think nah but then i think yeah remember when you were sixteen and it's all like no actually, i was a totally different person then and that was a lifetime ago so what's going on, how come life is speeding by but i've been a pre-adult for so long. Maybe life is finally throwing me a bone and spoon feeding my obsession with Neverland and youth.

Getting drunk at Luna Park seems such a funny thing to do yet when i turned 17 we had fun, but Jobe was still on pills and we were rapping and Dani and I tried to make our mouths hit the sides of our cheeks and everything was so different but that was only like, 9 months ago.

I can't really figure out what i'm trying to make sense of here, maybe just that being seventeen has been more like 9 years squashed into one (both in the physical sense and shaping of personality)

It just seems like i'll be trapped (or enclosed in a haven?) at this age forever because even when i leave i'll still be seventeen, so really, what's going on here? logic is stupid and you should turn the age successing your current one based on how you feel as a human being, but that would be crap because then i would be like one hundred years old. no no no i am youthful i am youthful

Formal post

15/11/07
Surprisingly, a terrific night!


three amigos!


+ holly!


looking preggers here


outside the minibus!


inside the minibus! (lookin' gross, oh well)


dani!


dani #2!


date (also amigo)


sloping "landscape shot"


amer and damo! long term besty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


stunned










we had these crazy performers spinning shit and stuff! i wondered aloud "does this turn guys on?"







art class shot (get OUT: charles sapoot..ra(? :S), matthew ho, katie marshall, zoe lassig) ...+ seedy fluros

photos stopped here coz i got drunk and smashed a glass yew
For those of you who made my school days a pleasure may a shining light touch every part of your life, for those who sucked prepare for spells shooting you in the head, (or was that bullets?)

TICK TICK TICK Seventeen Years Nearer My Death

I'M SO BORED WITH THE L. I . F . (E)

Here is an insight of how i dwindle away my days!



Making gay (but cute...) hens chase bread to gobble up :) notice my "hehe"s

-



Searching for Lucy (aka Lucifer) ((a usually mute cat))

-



Easily finding Monty (lazy oaf, usually a loud cat)


NB this is not my normal voice i can't help it when i'm around pets i became sickly mushy Rachel 4 octaves higher. Don't know why but i'm quite cute and usually more masculine