muzzle

I fear that I'm ordinary, just like everyone
To lie here and die among the sorrows
Adrift among the days
For everything I ever said
And everything I've ever done is gone and dead
As all things must surely have to end
And great lovers will one day have to part
I know that I am meant for this world
My life has been extraordinary
Blessed and cursed and won
Time heals but I'm forever broken
By and by the way...
Have you ever heard the words
I'm singing in these songs?
It's for the girl I've loved all along
Can a taste of love be so wrong
As all things must surely have to end
And great lovers will one day have to part
I know that I am meant for this world
And in my mind as I was floating
Far above the clouds
Some children laughed I'd fall for certain
For thinking that I'd last forever
But I knew exactly where I was

And I knew the meaning of it all
And I knew the distance to the sun
And I knew the echo that is love
And I knew the secrets in your spires
And I knew the emptiness of youth
And I knew the solitude of heart
And I knew the murmurs of the soul
And the world is drawn into your hands
And the world is etched upon your heart
And the world so hard to understand
Is the world you can't live without
And I knew the silence of the world

LOVE, ACTUALLY

fuck
sitting at home now, 10.42pm on a friday night and ironically watching 'love actually' i've never felt so stupid or hated my stupid shy 'i'll do it later' procrastinating self.
just a couple of hours ago i was in the same room as a boy i think i actually felt love towards / the strongest feelings i've ever had, and who i hadn't seen in nearly two years.
two years!!!
and what do i do? walk straight past, a fucking nervous and seemingly oblivious wreck. then compose myself and decide i'll say a hello in the next break >>> oh no sorry rachele fate has decided to strike you out this time, out of all your flukes that weren't really neccessary TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON. ACT FAST ACT QUICK. or it's all gone, just like him.
i'm so stupid and i hate myself, i don't know what love is and i never will and i'll die alone like some crazy cat lady with only cats for company
i can attract a 40 y/0 eternally stoned northern beaches sub teacher but never anyone that actually matters!???!?!!!!!

just put a fucken raygun to my head, life!

Whaaa..?

I TRULY BELIEVE THAT SYDNEY IS SHRINKING
it seems like as much as i try to be consumed in a mass of people, seeing people i would not expect to see is INEVITABLE
example,
i was watching australian idol auditions, and (the surprisingly gorgeous) matthew corby seemed so familiar to me, he said he lives in cronulla so my first thought was i'd probably just seen him around but then i was like no! that's not right. so i did some brain searching and some youtube searching then i saw a picture of him with a girl i'd bought something off on eBay. !! then i remembered that he had been the model in one of her sales. !!
example 2
the other day when i was making a casual pass through circ. quay i saw some skaters and i was like yep, everythings normal, THEN on closer inspection one looked real familiar and i was like woah he's harry culy from wellington then i noticed 3 others also from wellington and i was like what tha fuckkkk. and max AKA mack attack originally from wellington but now living in bondi, friends with my friends. !!
example 3
i see this funny looking girl with orange hair and no neck EVERYWHERE. i know it's her because she's so funny looking

aidaioihiineiiutyliaijscoiih
what's going on god? playing mind games with me?

rant

what the fuck is with all these 'cory kennedy' wannabees.? i fail to recognise what is so good about this girl, she's an underage scene whore who actually doesn't dress very well at all and when i think of her i think of the word fleshy. it seems like you'd poke her and despite her malnourished frame your finger would still sink into a mass of pasty flesh. oh, and, right on cue comes all these fucking wannabees with gay blogs that don't offer anything interesting apart from a step by step recount of a scene life. gayyyyyyyy
personally i'd like to read a blog with a little more substance

this whole weekend has actually been kind of gay, really. the only redeeming factor was a sushi train meal with MY HUSBAND (another accusation that contributed to the gayness of my weekend, i don't care to elaborate) but now i'm home again faced with the prospect of study which is a dark, dark prospect

MY TEETH HURT SO BAD!!!

i think one of them at the back is the culprit he just aches and feels numb but not in a numb way that numbs the pain, but in a way that makes all the surrounding teeth squirm and renders my mouth unable to close
it just hangs like a door on a useless hinge
sucks

in my dream last night i had to bury my friends in the sand by the boardwalk in order to hide them from a faceless enemy! that had no relevance it just popped into my head then
TEETH

isn't it! i got it in three colours

last night when i was waiting in the car for ****** to get back from the video store i saw an extremely wonderfully suspicious yet thismakesmenervousinmyseat type walking across the road.
do i do it? do i make the move? yeahh why not alice is a quiet roadster or SO I THOUGHT. as he was within a few steps of my door i made the locking all doors move hahaha and fuck that sound resonated throughout the whole suburb. his neck snapped towards me and his eyes burnned my soulllllllllllllllll whilst i sank in my seat

i'm allowed to shake in my seat
i have the authority to lock my doors if i'm feeling threatened
by the way this situation reminds me of the situation last saturday night where those forestville fags with way too much pride for 'insert here'. insert here exists because your pride is questionable and your motives lack any substance
empty empty spiders

Cashews in my Lung

shit, my body feels so strange at the moment
i just got back from school (9.30pm- finishing majorworks) and we got chicken cashew! from the local pad thai for tea. i have been kinda flu-ish since jobe passed his various diseases onto me on friday night, and haven't really eaten much at all since
but pad thai is too irresistable to resist and the servings are always so huge and now it feels like the cashews have stuck themselves into my withered stomach and maybe even one has lodged just below my lung
it's not an easy pain to describe but it sure does hurt when i breathe

i really need to floss as well

"Trust Me"

is one of my favourite sayings. i hardly ever use it because i really don't want to render it useless / meaningless. you really have to have a lot of faith in someone to agree to trust them

i had a v. pleasant day today, nothing out of the ordinary, just enjoying my last few weeks of school with my friends, and phil actually told me i was really happy and affectionate in my actions when we were in the darkroom.
he also told me i was violent but it was all in good humour!
trust me,

Wild Mood Swings Make An Intense Girl?

i had this startling thought today that what if people other than phil and jay were reading this thing
if you are, that makes me incredibly nervous because these things come straight from my brain which was formed 17 years ago for my personal use, and anyone who can benefit i guess
i'm definitely NOT going to censor my beautiful thoughts because they're basically the children of my brain, so i think i have like 500 00000000000 000000000 billion children. plus heaps that got away!
oh no wait i'm telling untruths i think i have censored maybe once or twice because even i can tell when something will make someone want to slit their own throat and will portray me as a MONNNNSTER

maybe you have a lot clearer idea of me than me, but i've been working real hard to work it out! recently i've been told i'm quite unapproachable, slightly intimidating, intense, have a quiet speaking voice and a laidback slightly raspy voice ideal for radio.. reflective, moody, funny, that i manage to fluke everything and despite what i think i wont end up going to university i'll make a life for myself another way.. i was the only person in the grade with an original creative writing concept, i bomb out, i'm unreliable, i'm reliable, i'm nice, i'm so nice, i'm gentle, i'm moody, i'm friendly, i have long hair, i'm hard to figure out, i'm blunt, why do i sit 3 metres away from everyone else? am i okay? yes i'm doing beautifully because i'm COLD, i don't want to know you, but maybe i do and just don't realise i feel empty for a reason, my eyes will burn you away before you can start a conversation that i wont sustain with my true personality, i'll just bore you with generic personality that is not me but yet somehow you find that interesting and exclusive!!!!!!!!!!?

it's so hard! you send me mixed opinions which don't help out my already mixed opinions

i'm really not THAT depressed. maybe you think that, but i just think a lot and encourage these obscurities because they're really powerful and substantial, and i can't leave all of them in me because i'll turn into ashes or something. YOU'RE DARK TOO JUST EMBRACE IT AND LET YOUR EYES TELL A MILLION SINS

a lot of these qualities i got labelled with i'm really pleased with and didn't think i possessed them, ie intense, radio voice, quiet voice, long hair, unapproachable, distant. i think i'm nice but if you're in my face and just mixing for the sake of being a social butterfly i don't wanna know you! i like friends but i really do have a great bunch so i don't need any sour grapes. but if you're nice and have a passion and are generally a friendly person, if you get past the conversation stage i'll love you like i love a lot of people
it's a lot easier to hate than to love for some reason but i just make sure i do a bit of gardening first
maybe judging by these labels i'm a bit of a weed myself!


keep reading and forming your opinions on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE QUEEN OF DOOM AND GLOOM

really is a wonderful title to have!

Realisation Pt II

Holy fucken crap i'm a depressed fuck!
Reading over my recent and recent-ish posts it seems blatantly obvious to me that i should start composing some poetry, i'm clearly at a point in my life where i could produce dark and obscure masterpieces.

I Knew If I Turned, I'd Turn Away From You, And I Couldn't Look Back

i saw The Cure last night
i never imagined i'd arrive almost late to a night like this. but we did, yet we still managed to be right at the very front thanks to jobe's goon manipulation
i wasn't excited.. i can't really explain, even to myself, but i just felt like i'm walking to a big centre but i'll just get there and it will be an empty room and it was all a big trick.. or something.
Robert Smith was literally standing no more than a couple of metres away from me. he was singing to me! he had such a wonderful voice and when he spoke i couldn't understand because of his lovely accent but then he'd smile or look away and it was like, you grasped it. he had these eyes! these amazing eyes that glanced up on rare occasions but when they did it was like he was looking at everyone and letting them take in his soul
i couldn't pinpoint a moment that was the best.. actually thinking back to last night it still doesn't seem like it happened
friday im in love is where we got to the front, and it was immediately followed by just like heaven, which was amazing as He realised that despite the popularity and pop-ish quality of the songs He'd written something that made people Smile or Cry but it was an emotion and everyone was feeling something. lullaby was amazing. the exploding boy was amazing.
i almost thought They were going to leave without playing Plainsong but it came. i think i actually cried, "and it's so cold, it's like the cold if you were dead, and then you smiled for a second" I think i was the only one reaching out at that moment, but how could i not. it was so beautiful and live does Them so much

walking out afterwards i guess i didn't feel the happiness i expected
sure i was euphoric but in a strange way i'd never felt so empty

was this the moment where it was so cold, like the cold if you were dead
but i smiled for a second?

empty is an inexplicable feeling

LOVE WAS WHEN I LOVED YOU ONE TRUE TIME I HOLD TO

i was just watching a show on max, 1999 rewind or something of a similar title

so.. i forgot how awesome the 90s were? or maybe i didn't forget, i simply REALISED how awesome they were. i guess it was the soundtrack to our lives when we did a lot of growing up, for me at least if you're from another generation.. well that's awesome too. the 90's was heaps of that corny shit that you don't want to admit you like but come on, it's the kind of music you play in the car with your friends and it makes you feel invincible and like the friendships you have will never end and that basically your life is great just at that moment. the early stages even had attributes of grunge.

i think something doesn't become 'cool' until it's gone. i mean, surrounded by the decade of boy bands and d-d-d-dubbing and low camera angles, i'm sure that it seemed lame and wouldn't it be so much cooler to have 'grown up' in the 60s, 70s or 80s. BUT, now that we're in the awful, awful 2000s, or 'noughties' the 90s just seem so damn great.

so i guess i'm just waiting for a little perspective or hindsight on what i believe is a decade of awful music, to hit me in 10 years or maybe 20, and have my little boy sirius ask me what it was like living with all the syyynths and did i ever see RATATAT live?

because i know that's what i do to my parents

WE ENTERED WANTING A HERMIT CRAB AND LEFT WITH A HERMIT CRAB PLUS ALL THE LATEST HERMIT CRAB ACCESSORIES

MY TRIALS ARE OVERS!
JESUS H CHRIST I'M GLAD I'VE PASSED THAT LITTLE OBSTACLE BY, NOW THERE'S JUST MA MAJORWORK DUE NOT THIS FRIDAY BUT THE NEXT, AND MY HSC FRENCH SPEAKING FITTING IN SNUG AFTER THAT
HENS. HENS ARE GREAT! JESUS H CHRIST THEY ARE SO CUTE. THEY WENT TO BED AT 5.30PM TODAY! I WENT TO CHECK ON THEM AND THEY'D VOLUNTARILY (ACTUALLY THEY ARE A LITTLE WARY OF THE CATS AND OTHER WILDLIFE IN THE YARD) GONE TO THE UPSTAIRS OF THEIR COUP (IT'S A TWO STOREY COUP THEY'RE THE FUCKEN CRAZIEST HENNIES IN TOWN!). THEY JUST WALKED UP THEIR LITTLE RAMP IN SINGLE FILE AND WERE SETTLED DOWN (OK I LIE!! I PEEPED IN THROUGH THE LITTLE PEEP HOLE AND OH MY I SAW AND HEARD A LITTLE BIT OF A RUCKUS) SO I PULLED UP THEIR RAMP AND THEY'RE ALL SETTLED DOWN FOR THE NIGHT.
:)
WE GOT DANIKAY HERMIT CRABS AS PART OF HER PRESENT. I LOOKED AFTER THEM FOR THE NIGHT PRIOR TO HER BIRTHDAY AND I BECAME VERY ATTACHED! THE CRAZY RUCKUS ONE IS CALLED VOLDEMORT AND THE DOSILE LITTLE BABY IS CALLED BUBBALINA. DURING MY TIME WITH THEM I HAD TO CONSTANTLY REFILL THEIR TROPICAL ISLAND POOL BECAUSE VOLDEMORT KEPT DIGGING AROUND IT AND MAKING A RIGHT OLD MESS UNTIL I'D REFILLED IT SO MANY TIMES AND HE'D SPILT IT SO MANY TIMES THAT THEIR SAND WAS SOAKED. SO I CHANGED IT BY DIGGING UP THE SAND AND REARRANGING THE TANK SO HE COULDN'T DO IT AS MUCH. THE NEXT AFTERNOON WHEN DANI AND PHIIL CAME OVER TO PICK UP DANI'S PRESENT WE COULD ONLY SEE VOLDEMORT AND I/WE GOT REAL WORRIED THAT I'D DUG UP BUBBALINA WITH THE WET SAND AND THAT SHE WAS HISTORY! NOT THE CASE, AFTER INCREDIBLE DIGGING WE FOUND HER NESTLED UNDER VOLDEMORT, AND I WAS OFF THE HOOK!
THEY LIKE DIGGING. SOMETIMES THEY CAN NESTLE AND HIBERNATE FOR UP TO 4 WEEKS. A WEEKLY SALT BATH HELPS SHED THEIR EXOSKELETON. EVERY 3-5 MONTHS THEY WANT TO SWITCH SHELLS TO A HOME THAT'S MORE ROOMY AND ACCOMMODATING. 21-27 DEGREES IS PREFERRABLE, HUMIDITY IS VITAL FOR LIFE
I LEARNT SO MUCH ABOUT THESE LITTLE GUYS FROM ONE DAY WITH THEM! GIVING THEM TO THEIR RIGHTFUL OWNER, THE BIRTHDAY GIRL I DIDN'T REALISE HOW MUCH I WAS BABBLING
I'LL BE A GOOD MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG P.S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE HENS

three hens!! two brownies and one blackie cccccccccccrazy!

i love gardening and flowers

I MISS NZ! I MISS WELLSEPH
i've just been talking to jesse, it's always little snipets of conversation that really embody someone's personality that makes me miss them like crazy:

"i really love photography and film actually, more than fashion i think- i always think to myself that it would be cool to be a filmaker or photographer that was real styley and still made my own clothes but it wouldnt be as cool to be a fashion designer with a side passion of photography"

haha she thinks in so much detail. it always takes me a while to adjust when i come back home and i'm not awoken by her saying "i had the WEIRDEST! dream last night" and then analyse every single detail about how some people from the south claimed she threw hay bales into their truck? or face or something crazy

i'm soooo excited for her to come stay with me for summer. and frith and alex are coming too! we're taking a trip to melbourne sometime while she's here, and we just discussed the possibility of maybe driving along the coast!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

my craving of going to watch a gardening competition DID kinda come true for phils birthday, we took him to a big gardening complex with a cafe and water fountains and tranquiliity everywhere, for breakfast. i forgot dani iis vegetarian now and offered her some of my chorizo, haha only cause it was disgusting and really meaty and yoock.

HAHA we got phil the funniest thing for his birthday. i'm not even gonna say it because im embarrassed, he has such an embarrassing taste in music! lets just say he has let his inner emo flourish

i feel like listening to...
the smiths i think
i'll go put it on and do some stretching