LOVE, ACTUALLY

fuck
sitting at home now, 10.42pm on a friday night and ironically watching 'love actually' i've never felt so stupid or hated my stupid shy 'i'll do it later' procrastinating self.
just a couple of hours ago i was in the same room as a boy i think i actually felt love towards / the strongest feelings i've ever had, and who i hadn't seen in nearly two years.
two years!!!
and what do i do? walk straight past, a fucking nervous and seemingly oblivious wreck. then compose myself and decide i'll say a hello in the next break >>> oh no sorry rachele fate has decided to strike you out this time, out of all your flukes that weren't really neccessary TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON. ACT FAST ACT QUICK. or it's all gone, just like him.
i'm so stupid and i hate myself, i don't know what love is and i never will and i'll die alone like some crazy cat lady with only cats for company
i can attract a 40 y/0 eternally stoned northern beaches sub teacher but never anyone that actually matters!???!?!!!!!

just put a fucken raygun to my head, life!