Only been in love with a beer bottle & a mirror

2008-01-08T18:35:00.000-08:00

I'm against nature. I'm not cool with nature

2008-01-02T00:33:00.000-08:00

Even the less outwardly temperamental Artist still has at best a slightly tangential relationship with the real world. This is because the real world gets in the way of the important business of life- namely showing off, daydreaming and coming up with ideas. Ideas that are equally as likely to be strokes of unparalleled genius as the nonsensical gibberings of the seriously unhinged. Not that anyone is allowed to ever imply they're the latter. Then the defences go up again. Whether that means sulky moods or screaming, the result is the same. Everyone must rush round until things are safely back to normal again. "Normal" in this case meaning that The Artist is safely insulated from workaday hassle. Do not expect such favours in return though. For someone so sensitive to their own treatment, the Artist has a peculiar blind-spot when it comes to the feelings of anyone else at all.

This is so stupid, what i was thinking i can't be sure but i think it's safe to say that i've done what is always lurking around the corner (in my case) and succumbed to a different personality eating me up. It's OK i don't mind being a chameleon it means no one can ever get TOO close. What i am i don't know, but i am certain that i don't have the right state of mind or right state of arse to sit and type my thoughts into a computer, anymore! Any motherfuckers who read this my new outlook says fuck you for being so stupid and reading my brain drivel but a tiny fighting scrap of old me says i like you, man.
Until i change i am happy leaving all these thoughts swirling in the ravine scattered with skeleton trees and vultures, that is, my BLACK, BLACK SOUL.
MWA

Oh, and

2007-12-16T04:01:00.000-08:00

tonight in a discussion between my boss, Jesse and myself my role as a female was brought up in relation to dating and girls who date a lot and my boss said

"But i'm sure you understand"
Me (casual)- "no not at all i never have and never will be in that situation!"
Boss- "What! well wait until you get to Europe then and you fall in love with a french man/ all the french men"
Me (casual)- "probably but it still wont happen because guys aren't attracted to me."
Boss- "What? why?"
Me (matter of factly)- "Because i'm so masculine."
Boss- "You're not masculine! You're a girly girl!"

GIRLY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!!!!!!WQ11111

Me (dumbfounded)- "whatttttt! no i'm so masculine i'm like the most masculine girl ever"
Jesse- "Yeah she really is, apart from me maybe!"
Boss- "Nooo! Berj always says how feminine you are"
Me- "huh?! Is he blind and clearly missing something blatant?"
Boss- "But what about the clothes you wear, and your long hair! they are very girly and feminine"
Me- "uh not really maybe kind of recently, but i'm not talking about that i'm talking about my masculine energy i'm just weird in my interests and it's safe to say that i have the aura of a boy"

The conversation went on like this for a while and i don't think my boss understood that i was talking about my "masculine energy" not my looks and now i think she thinks that i think i'm boyish looking and probably look in the mirror sighing "oh i have such a masculine face"
haha
no
my face is a girl face

but holy crap they think i am a girly girl!!!!! i can't work out if i'm happy or sad at that analogy. i think i'm happy i've never been the girly girl or thought my clothes were feminine

My life is flipping upside down! maybe now i'll pull some hot surfer bAbeSsss
but hopefully not

Funday

2007-12-16T03:31:00.000-08:00

Perfection is hard to come by and perhaps it wouldn't be so nice if it happened because flaws create more love, which is why, ultimately, today was perfect (in a Rachel sense)

Fuck Jess and I had to get up real early, like 8am or some crap, but it was because of a lovely breakfast we were going to which really did turn out to be quite lovely! Banana pancakes are clearly sensational to the tastebuds and i laughed quite a lot with an incredibly broad mix of people. Then we made the journey to dee why in Stu Hutch's car with an unintrusive and flowing blend of The Smiths to compliment the unintrusive and flowing character that is S. Hutchinson. We had so many games of bowling and i started off like some fucking lesbian bowler with a hardcore aim and fluke but i guess luckily that persona of mine was dropped and swapped with jesse but then we both lost it and just became stupid girls who chucked the ball at the pins in the hope of a score more than 0. (not rewarded many times thanks to lack of gutters.) Jackie bought us drinks and paid for our games and it was just such a friendly atmosphere. Once again S. Hutchinson dropped us home, after a stop at McDonalds where he eats a mass load of food! Then we went to work with the prospect of a flawed day but although perhaps slightly flawed the merriment only continued as the free food continued and we got chilli burgers and a casual night + money.

And then i had lots of missed calls and texts on my phone from all the people i love which may seem petty but doesn't everyone like to feel loved by their loved ones? dur

Oh and everything today was absolutely free we didn't pay a single cent for an expensive breakfast, travel to another suburb, drinks and games of bowling, travel back to another suburb, burgers and juice. We got paid for doing cinch work. Fuck yeah! The only mild flaws of getting up early and the prospect of bowling are actually now traits embraced in my mind

Neverland

2007-12-08T05:10:00.000-08:00

Tonight on the train home when we passed milsons point and Jesse exclaimed "woah Luna Park still exists!" Phil said "Rachel, doesn't it feel like you have been seventeen forever."

I thought about it and let it run through my mind and my answer was, "Yeah"

I have been seventeen for so long and then i think nah but then i think yeah remember when you were sixteen and it's all like no actually, i was a totally different person then and that was a lifetime ago so what's going on, how come life is speeding by but i've been a pre-adult for so long. Maybe life is finally throwing me a bone and spoon feeding my obsession with Neverland and youth.

Getting drunk at Luna Park seems such a funny thing to do yet when i turned 17 we had fun, but Jobe was still on pills and we were rapping and Dani and I tried to make our mouths hit the sides of our cheeks and everything was so different but that was only like, 9 months ago.

I can't really figure out what i'm trying to make sense of here, maybe just that being seventeen has been more like 9 years squashed into one (both in the physical sense and shaping of personality)

It just seems like i'll be trapped (or enclosed in a haven?) at this age forever because even when i leave i'll still be seventeen, so really, what's going on here? logic is stupid and you should turn the age successing your current one based on how you feel as a human being, but that would be crap because then i would be like one hundred years old. no no no i am youthful i am youthful

Formal post

2007-11-22T03:31:00.000-08:00

15/11/07
Surprisingly, a terrific night!

three amigos!

+ holly!

looking preggers here

outside the minibus!

inside the minibus! (lookin' gross, oh well)

dani!

dani #2!

date (also amigo)

sloping "landscape shot"

amer and damo! long term besty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stunned

we had these crazy performers spinning shit and stuff! i wondered aloud "does this turn guys on?"

art class shot (get OUT: charles sapoot..ra(? :S), matthew ho, katie marshall, zoe lassig) ...+ seedy fluros

photos stopped here coz i got drunk and smashed a glass yew
For those of you who made my school days a pleasure may a shining light touch every part of your life, for those who sucked prepare for spells shooting you in the head, (or was that bullets?)

TICK TICK TICK Seventeen Years Nearer My Death

2007-11-20T19:13:00.001-08:00

I'M SO BORED WITH THE L. I . F . (E)

Here is an insight of how i dwindle away my days!

Making gay (but cute...) hens chase bread to gobble up :) notice my "hehe"s

-

Searching for Lucy (aka Lucifer) ((a usually mute cat))

-

Easily finding Monty (lazy oaf, usually a loud cat)

NB this is not my normal voice i can't help it when i'm around pets i became sickly mushy Rachel 4 octaves higher. Don't know why but i'm quite cute and usually more masculine

I Seek Sadness

2007-11-17T04:21:00.000-08:00

This is my problem
A discontentment with what's happening in 'reality' can only lead to (courtesy of an active mind) a leaning towards the imagination. Of course, there are bound to be stages of 'life' where discontent and a search for convalescence is slightly more pressing than usual. So it seems that perhaps the fine line between fantasy and reality is blurred, a dangerous aspect as my dreamscapes are constructed and elaborate on miniscule details of my life that crave elaboration... so sometimes i have to stop and really question did that happen or was that a fleeting moment in my mind, a figment of my imagination?
The answer is always the latter, nothing in my life reflects the fairytale animation i want therefore the result is always crushing
I can't help wanting these ideals and i sure can't do anything about nobody else wanting them --> I can't wait forever, the only one looking at life through a silver mist of idealism. Nothing will ever happen except for disappointment
It's like hunting for Hallows. I'll never get 'em all, not when it counts

You Can Almost Smell The Flowers!!!

2007-11-13T02:17:00.000-08:00

Ball Dress!
Today!
Reminiscent of a rose garden or some sort of flower garden
i like it

I still really like my old dress so i think i will just wear it to Scott's the next week. although Jobe suggested i should wear jeans and a turtleneck sweater. hairy legs, shaved head. Hahaha oh dear

I had a really pleasant day, just Danielle and myself. I chose her dress and she chose mine, we gonna be da prettiest gurls at da ball. I hope i don't look TOO sexy i've got to keep Mr. Gardiner away from me ahahah grosss i feel so germy after putting that thought onto e-paper, infact the fact that it even popped into my head is beyond repulsive i don't think i've ever looked sexy in my life :)

FOREVER

2007-11-11T02:51:00.000-08:00

Something that stuck in my head today was a short exchange of words on the way home from NOTOWN. NEWTOWN SUCKS. NEWTOWN MAKES ME FROWN it takes the crown for worst town. what's with this ghey mood probably some newtown fag aimed some drugs at my open mouth and scored
Anyway, Phil asked me if i hated him. And then went on to reason all the reasons why I would hate him according to my personality (ie he's loud, he finds his own jokes really funny) and i said no you stupid idiot you're second in my top friends ahaha but it seems like you hate yourself
and he said so i guess that makes me your second best friend

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

2007-11-11T02:15:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days where you lose all faith in your better judgement. you know, i was contemplating not actually going to the Newtown, i mean newtown (don't deserve no capital) festival, just because.. well, just because i felt like moping around home and irritating my little brother and just being a general nuisance!
i got up really early and drove 15 minutes away (i could have made a 1 minute walk) to buy biscuits for my cats because they didn't like what they had for breakfast and face it they are royalty in my opinion. so i drove to get them cat biscuits, and i got two bags because they were on special. then i decided i felt like a coffee but instead i got a frappuccino because it was really hot and drank it upstairs by myself, early in the morning, slurping away and watching a university student who was breathing heavily over a chemistry textbook with very stressed out skin. i enjoyed myself thoroughly!
and the newfrown festy later in the day only further implemented my belief that i hate huge crowds and scene kids in their huge groups and gothic kids in their huge troops unless i have a cool beverage or soothing company to help me hurl insults or a leafy location to provide shelter from death sun. we sat to watch paper scissors fo a bit and i ate... ahh fuck it i can't remember the name i had it last time, pancakey stuff, moved, and moved. lost george, lost dani numerous times. reunited with tom and the lot. exchanged phone call/s with jobe, found jobe, shared complaints with jobe, met others, charline grace ate sushi, j. sam me went to find takeaway. apparently horrible rice pudding, possibly bad potatoes, girls with nice mouths...? engaged in a manly conversation i remember this arising. left them, really should have accepted a lift because i spent so long trying to find phil afterwards and it was basically an impossible feat with 0 credit on the cellular, LUCKILY i heard "rachel!" and i found pete and matt and stuff loitering around a spiky tree.
think i escaped and was home by 6.30ish
went out to dinner with the fam at "thai in a flash" or "super quick thai" or "speedy thai" or something. it was just greasy. i never really thought thai could be greasy but it was, but i bumped into Anna who i hadn't seen in about 9 months which was nice.
so basically, my 'better judgement' at the start of the day was something along the lines of "go on Rachel, you'll regret it"
nup! a day of petty annoyance would have been wonderful, bigmouth strikes again

The Adventures of Rachel and Son in The Nighttime

2007-11-07T21:17:00.001-08:00

Last night was so strange! and it all happened in the vicinity of my own home
Everything was great, i was thinking how it's a pity i manage to find amazing personalities but always females, and what a shame it is that i don't have a single lesbian bone in my body because then i'd be set for life, partner-wise. Then i got thinking, i wonder if any of the neighbours can see me, dancing in flowing movements all over my kitchen singing 'love, love will tear us apart,' a gourmet sandwich in one hand and a cat in the other, meowing along with me. Oh it was a wonderful sight, but i'm sure not so wonderful for prying eyes so i hope for their sake and for mine actually, no one saw. Haha i'm so gross i should be shot right off this planet, and a shame i don't have lesbian bones? i think not, heterosexual bones will do me just fine.
Anyway, so it was quite a normal night, about 11pm, a nice sandwich and some juice and i went downstairs to watch some teevee. Then it got saddd. The cat that was once in my hand had disappeared outside and returned to the door (very proudly) with a dead baby rat in his mouth. I'm always sad when that happens because Monty thinks he's done something great (but let me tell you he is no killer, he's so wonderfully thick and slow that he finds dead things on the ground and THINKS he caught them.) I let him in "Montyyyyy nooo i don't like your presents!" but then shockhorror it is not dead it is alive and doing this horrible coughing. Shockhorror, it is not a rat it is a tiny baby possum with blood on his/her (i think his) ears. I was soo sad and didn't no what to do and was crying because there was this poor little animal dying on my floor and coughing this horrible cough and shivering. Cursing my cat i shut him upstairs and got a blanket and gently rubbed him dry with a towel and put him in a roomy cotton sock on top of a covered hot water bottle to warm the little soul up. It was horrible he was coughing and he kept hugging my hand and looking for a nipple to suck or something but i couldn't let him go there plus there's no damn milk there anyway. So i quickly did some research and damnit he couldn't have cows milk and that's the only milk i had. So i made some 'rehydrating' substance and gave him some but he didn't really like it.
I kept him on my lap until about 2 in the morning and he felt nice and warm and i could hear wild calls outside so i thought (stupidly) i bet his Mom's looking for him. i got a fresh hot water bottle and lots of towelling and found him a sheltered spot under some bushes in the garden and left him there.
I dreamt that i awoke to my dad saying "he made it all right! Look at the size of him!" and he had turned into a dinosaur with a little possum head. Nah, didn't happen in real life eh. I finally went to check on him the next morning. I don't know why i delayed it i guess i just thought he'd either have gone with his Mom or be dead. I found him and to my horror he was soaked through and still breathing but coughing and on the verge of death i'm sure. I have never felt as horrible as i felt when i discovered him like that. You may notice i refer to the possum as 'him.' I didn't want to name him it was too sad if he died
I rushed to get a new hot water bottle and put him in fresh towels in my room in a shoebox and he was coughing but he slept for a long time. Mum came home and said "where's the possum?" and I was like "how did you know!" and then she reminded me that i had come into their bedroom the previous night and had stood there like a lonely sobbing ghost until Mum opened her eyes and i pitifully asked what to do with the dying possum on our floor. Haha i'm so gay. So mum called this animal rescue place and they said to keep him warm (smuggly i said "done that!")
They finally came to pick him up at 4pm today, 15 hours after he was brought into my life! I'm really going to miss him, i picked the lice off his baby coat and fed him hydrating substances and he scurried up my arms and nestled in the folds of my jumper. I named him Otis

dead flowers

2007-11-07T01:20:00.000-08:00

awwww my god there is officially no way jesse is coming around europe with me anymore. uni commitments
fuck!
i have to find someone quick
or do i go by myself?
i definitely want 'alone time' - a few weeks or so. but 12 months i don't know if i can survive by myself for that long without another soul of similar origin (and by that i mean language)..

oh dear. if someone is reading this and you're free next year from around march and want to have some of the best times of your life with an ace chick (me) write me! seriously! i'm real nice and sometimes i make jokes it will be fun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PANIC on the streets of my throat

2007-11-06T02:07:00.000-08:00

errrrrrrrr i'm never sick for more than a day and i've been sick for a whole 4 days now. the only good part of having a cold is sneezing heaps and having a sexxxy voice but today those things subsided into 0 sneezes and an ugly, ugly voice. i feel like a mutt
HSC IS OVER ON FRIDAY YEW!
not
i've actually had fun, it's been quite relaxing ahaha i'm going to do SO well

i mentioned that i was going to write a book! well i am, i'm starting it during the heavy cloud of grey of DOOOOOm that is hanging over my head- schoolies of course! everyone will be drinking doin' sum pillz going to da club and i'll be sipping some cask wine and writing my book in whatever nature i can find north of brisvegas yeaaah! oh my this makes that awful week so much more appealing
I had a bath last night!!!! a nice warm bath with scented candles and Enya haha NOT THAT I CAN SMELL IT WITH THIS STUFFY NOSE. :( :( :( grrrrAAAAAACHARLINE
woo books

XXSEX > XXGAY

2007-11-04T03:31:00.000-08:00

"You know when your in love
when you can't fall asleep
because reality is finally
better than your
dreams"

pffft! this is the gayest citation i've ever heard in my life! not only is it completely gay, it's just plain wrong. number one, you can't not fall asleep because that's just going against the rules of the human configuration and you'd die, number two DREAMS WILL ALWAYS TOWER OVER REALITY
if you could see me i'd be spluttering all over my cereal i'm so utterly disgusted

i'm writing a book!

Before Halloween, Halloween, After Halloween

2007-11-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

I'm really sick and really mind numb and really avoiding study so let me think what i've been doing this past week
Tuesday- BIOLOGY! haha what a dismal, dismal attempt at an exam. sucked
Phil and i got some pizza afterwards and looked in some opshops. didn't find a single find. that night we got icecream and broke into dani's new house and it was realll scary. there was no furniture, and i had been absolutely busting for the toilet and once i'd done that i knew immediately that those fags were trying to scare me (i scare V. easily). all the lights were off and i was standing in this room alone in the dark and i just started wailing like a lost cat for about a minute or two until they realised how unkind they were being to me because being lost in a foreign house with no furniture and no lights and in the bush with hermits probably scrabbling at the doors is basically my worst nightmare. we looked around but then we all got really scared because we could feel a strangers prescence upstairs and the loft was open so we bolted really quickly home

Wednesday- halloweeeeeen! jobe, charl, ash and i went trick o' treatin' around the richer area of manly. we actually got a decent hoard, probably because we went too late and everyone just gave us their leftovers. jobe's technique included buzzing everyone in the apartment block at the same time, resulting in the residents crying out "who is it?!" and us replying "teeeeeeeenagers!!!!" i somehow lost the bottom of my shoe and didn't realise until later when i was walking unevenly. charline charmed a whole bag of halloween snakes out of one lady and her little boy, we got startled by a garage that opened up and revealed a big gorilla growling at us, we could see the lady who wouldn't answer her door in the reflection of her hallway mirror. sucker!
hunger pangs meant we went to get pizza and chips with lots of sauce. we were approached by an irish man who said he wanted to get dressed up as a leprechaun (complete with authentic irish accent) but he said we were the only people he'd seen dressed up. hahaha it's kind of funny because we were barely dressed up apart from some fangs painted on and some scars, but people are all like "ooh i love your costume". especially to jobe. "but i'm not dressed up!" hahaha. the best moment of the night was probably when a girl was being discussed and how she'd lost heaps of weight and charline said "yeah she used to look like vomit but now she just looks like poo." naturally we are all flabbergasted and laughing and jobe says
"but poo is worse then vomit.." and charline replies
"No! poo is all the same.. but see vomit well it varies.."

haha!

oh and we uncovered a little gay boy in one house

Thursday- i went in the morning with mum to get passport photos because i am getting a british passport yay! and becoming a british citizen yay! but we couldn't get it because only a couple of places in sydney do it. so i met up with phil and elle and we got a beverage and went to brookvale opshop. it was ok, i got some really nice shoes but ahhh as soon as i got home the heel of it crumbled! SO annoying

"Well Flies Are Attracted To Garbage"

2007-10-28T00:12:00.000-07:00

feet are hurtin' reallllll good. slash bad
Daylight saving annoys me it feels like i've lost an hour of my life and i had like zero time to get ready this morning because although jobe had courteously informed me last night that "12.30 is actually 11.30" i still forgot to put my mobile forward therefore i thought it was 10.45 but it was actually 11.45 so yeah. makes you think doesn't it
I ended up meeting Charline and Jobe at wynyard at around 1pm and we went to raben which is actually..."raren" now? who knows, there were actually heaps of lovely shoes and a really awesome pair that jobe and i have been searching for for at least a year but because of lack of funds, they weren't bought. it was noted that cute shoes are always less cute in normal human sizes
By now Charline and i were both complaining about walking haha i just have feet covered in blisters and it hurtsss but still we walked to crown st and had a look around. i found the nicest dress but the bottom of it was too clingy but the top bit was soooo amazing and i really want it :(
no one was really in the mood for shopping so we got sushi, or rather, the girls got sushi but the boy drank juice and ate crackers and cheese. they didn't really have anything i liked at this sushi train, the majority of the dishes were chicken based. eww i read this article after my meal about this chimp/ape/gorilla who got shaved every second day and men paid to have sex with her, so sad, and furthermore, what the crap is wrong with those men?
yew we were all tired by then so hopped on a bus, jobe got McD's, we watched as charline had the best facial expressions whilst reading that article aha. we watched this busker i can't remember his name now annoyingly i'm pretty sure it was 'sky' and he was all cutely dressed in a 3 piece suit and bow tie and he played my heart will go on on violin! it was so nice we actually gave him money and talked about booking him for the formal, although he'd probably have to play some rave music haha gross

IMAGINARY DOORMATS!

2007-10-26T19:17:00.000-07:00

awww yesterday phil and i were just walking along oxford st, our day already dampened by the unwelcomed heat and my raging sore feet, but then we noticed a bus go past and everyone on it was looking at us and then one started waving and then others started waving and then phil goes IT'S OUR SCHOOL! hahaha omg it was the year nines haha it was so cute so we waved back, our school clearly misses us now we gone
we met the cutest puppy called Amos in somedays he was exactly like his owner they had the same colour hair and curls and the dog was just oh so rolley poley, tumbling all over the place
um yeah so my blisters got so bad and they hurt so bad that we just had to stop and eat a burger and juice and decide that we will actually live in surry hills, just closer to crown st. and stuff in a cheap street. it made me so happy when a man walked past and then stopped and scuffed his shoes on the pavement as if there was an imaginary doormat aha so happy :)

gross heaps later that night when i was walking home and it was as dark as a night sky can manage i was walking up this hill and i saw a glint and i new straight away that it was a spiders web and i could even make out the spider himself but for some reason i decided to just let happen what was gonna happen but the moment that spiders web touched my lips i went madman crazy, whipping my hands over my face thousands of times and doing that superficial spitting/wiping of the tongue thing over and over. and then i happened again like 30 seconds later! now, i'm definitely not a spider hater but when you get a web and possible spider + baby spiders to the face i'm not a fan

Mandarin Erotica

2007-10-25T05:34:00.000-07:00

You know sometimes you have a moment and you're thinking this is a bit weird, but you don't act on your suspicions because you think you're most probably thinking too much into it? i ALWAYS do this, and i had one of those moments with my (male) boss today, i'm not sure what to make of it
we were eating mandarins. here's the scenario:
me: gross i hate mandarins they're nothing like oranges
boss: and he said oh really, what turns you off?
me: umm.. you mean in mandarins..?
boss: yes in mandarins
me: i just don't really like them that's all
boss: do you like them firm? i like it when they're nice and firm

luckily then i had a customer and was like um sorry to end this awful conversation but i'm going to a place where mandarins aren't erotic, or so i was thinking in my head
this was one of those moments, wasn't it? i think way too suspiciously, it could be potentially self destructive

MER MER MER MER MER MER MER MER.

2007-10-23T19:45:00.001-07:00

i got an email from my (lovely) modern history teacher
"Hi Rachel

Just wanted to wish you all the very best for thursday. I am sure that you are very well prepared. I am confident that you will do well.
See you thursday. Best wishes!"

mer! oh geez isn't that a huge burden of guilt right over my head. i'm not well prepared i just hate it there's too much to know. i know albert speer and i know nazi germany because they are interesting but WWI and conflict in europe oh gawd that will be a sore sight for any markers eyes. hang on, sometimes i can ace WWI, but otherwise i'm doomed.

when did i become like this? when did my intellect slip? i think it definitely begun this year. oh well no big deal i'm enrolling in the national art school anyway and that's non UAI! and i can major in photography yayyyy (L)
on the subject of photography, one day soon i'm going to make a link or something, and share some of mine. maybe that's when my intellect slipped? because phil and i spent most of our senior highschool life in the darkroom rather than .. knuckling down. haha oh i miss school i remember when we were in year eleven and we were real bored one free period so we made an awesome cubby house out of huge canvas boards and material we found in the artroom and we stuck a sign on it imitating our lovely art teachers prose. "YEAR 12 MAJOR WORK, PLEASE DON'T TOUCH! THANKS, MOE :)" hahaha and we stayed in there all lunchtime and ate mixed nuts and peeked at all the people in the artroom who were like 'who did that for their majorwork? it's pretty weird' haha oh my school was great. and moe got really angry at us. wait, not us, just me that stupid bitch!
yes. yes, this is definitely how my intellect slipped

gross!

2007-10-23T03:01:00.000-07:00

2007-10-22T05:23:00.000-07:00

O/S O/S O/S O/S O/S O/S O/S O/S

2007-10-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

i feel really weird my nanna just called from england raving about how she's found all this accommodation for me in norway for next year
firstly, although i'm so appreciative i don't want to go with the burden of having to turn up in a certain place at a certain time
and secondly, how the heck am i going to manage being away from all my lovelies for a year?!?!? i'll get back and everyone will have changed but i wont have or i'll think everyone's changed but i'm the one who's changed and i no longer fit in or some scary prospect
i can't believe i'm leaving australia i love australia
apart from the ants that ARE CRAWLING ALL OVER MY LEGS RIGHT NOW why are there ants in my roooooom
and phil said i will contradict wanting to grow my hair down to the floor and that i'll come back with a bob
are you crazy my hair iz crazy and couldn't handle a bob eerrr i feel so uneasy about everything and my heart hurts

The Naughty Birthday Boy Causes A Little Bit of Trouble

2007-10-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

in hindsight, the 2007 english hsc paper was soooo easy!! all of paper 2 was essays, the questions were fairly straight forward and broad and they didn't name any texts that you had to discuss. despite this, i still managed to screw it up! haha, i don't think i did that bad actually. coming out of any english exam i've always thought 'that sucked so bad i went so bad' and i end up getting decent marks, and with this english exam i came out thinking 'dood that was pretty breezey i think i did ok' so i'm hoping i get very decent marks
this is so gross how i'm talking about exams i'm basically one of those people who i despise who chat on 'bored' of studies and disgusting things like that ewwwww gross

friday was jobe's birthday. it was being celebrated at his friends place in newport but i can call him sam because we both want to travel the southern states of the usa and we both know joy omg. it was a pleasant gathering i finally met all the characters jobe raves about and i could put a face to them it was nice. charline was in charge of the fire she has really great outdoors skills for a french person? is that a relevant analogy probably not. the night was quite a ruckus for the birthday boy in the sense that some passer-bys slash trespassers got a ruski bottle to the head, and later when we were meant to be eating birthday cake and avoiding jobe's kiss we were confronted with a loud crash as our outside table was upturned by the recievers of the bottle to the head shennanigan. ahah long story short, jobe tries to fight them or something crazy forgetting that he's the male equivalent of twiggy, we go out, parents come out, things are (sort of) resolved but the guy who looked like a pig was still making rude gestures. and later on we almost got a bottle to the head as one sailed out of the air from their direction
jobe got sad
then got mad
sam and i watched on as charline attempted to crack the silent and angry exterior. then i was asked to try because i've known him longest. so what do i do? while he's seemingly sleeping standing up i prod him with my finger and he topples over and smashes into the ground ahaa. charline and sam come back and i'm all like.. what? he tries to walk into the water and i manage to redirect him to the car and we say our goodbyes to sam and jobe is folded into the car. i drop charline home then i drop jobe home and my eyes sting from the lethal smoke of the fire

an enjoyable birthday? yes

(FAUX) BOMB ON THE FRONT, SNEERING-TYPE

2007-10-17T03:38:00.000-07:00

these next couple of photos are from saturday i think it was, at surry hills. i'm not sure how i feel about this area, it seems kind of like a country in itself, with its own breed of human. and they gave out heaps of free chips for some reason. phil and i discussed if we would rather live in that suburb next year, but we'll just see where we end up when the time comes. anyway, it was Georgie, Dani, Philk, Ben and I. it was a really nice day, i had a really nice food but i can't remember the name of it anymore. it was a pancake type thing that had spinach and cheese hidden inside, with lemon on top. i saw the illin'est trillin'est kid eva! i think taking a photo of him is illegal? or is it just frowned upon? well, i had the decency not to get his face. i didn't take a photo in time, but before this shot he was wearing a floor length cape, and you can't see it but on his front he had a fake bomb strapped on! hahahahah new feat. check it out:

HATE LIST

2007-10-17T03:10:00.000-07:00

Over the last 2 weeks or so, i've been home in the daytime a lot more than usual. during this time, the majority of which i was not studying :(. or is that :)? anyway, during this time, i compiled a sort of mental hate list. it covers a very narrow scope, seeing as all i've really been doing is swimming, reading, sitting at a desk staring at an essay question on an otherwise blank page, and typing summary notes on the computer. ok, so here it is:
1. pool spiders
2. any form of bug that thinks it's ok to cool off in my pool. land and you DIEEE
3. in particular the one wasp that hangs around while i'm trying to do the treading water exercise
4. pool cleaners (mechanical) with an appetite
5. when the pool net handle stick thing disappears because dad fashioned a long tree cutting (dangerous) device
6. the hens that leave shit all over the grass, this is so much worse when i have wet feet
7. nice bugs that i feel obliged to save. okayyy this should actually go on my love list
8. how i always fall asleep when i start to read and then i wake up and it's like, 6pm?!?!?!?
9. modern history
10. the 'imaginative journey'
11. Samuel T. Coleridge. his nonsensical nonsense was once mildly enjoyable but no longer is
12. rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead. i LOATHE you. you should be in the list of things i want to kill even after yo already dead
13. my sore typing hand
14. the board of studies. i can't believe you would be SO cruel to state that you have the ability to ask for any form of textual response, plus the ability to specify any poem or speech or bullshit like that. fuck you!
15. the number 8 key. why are you so loose?

that is all currently. i'm going to go and watch 'stripshow,' i really just love that show! if one of those guys stripped for me i think i would ... well i wouldn't know what to do. scream and lock myself in a cupboard, or something
on a more positive note, i did about 6 hours of study today !!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!1111111!!
OR IS THAT NEGATIVE?

Sometimes bad nicknames are good in the long run!

2007-10-12T05:16:00.000-07:00

The other day a phrase or conversation or something similar i heard was about bad nicknames and if you'd ever had one (i was eavesdropping. oh wait i remember now i was on the bus!!) and that got me thinking have i ever had a bad nickname? i was thinking for quite a while and i was quite sure i never had, but then i remembered when i was in form 7 at intermediate school in wellington, NZ i had one!! i think i was like 11 or 12 or something, and i was a really, really skinny caucasian twig girl, surrounded by ALOT of giant islander girls. i was just a tiny underdeveloped white girl because i was young and still skinnier than my brother, but the majority of the girls surrounding me were the kind that grew breasts the minute they came out of the womb, ya know? trainer bras and nappies. so i got nicknamed "surfboard." because i was as flat as a surfboard! hahahahah i'm glad i recovered that memory because shame to them now i'm nice and proportional whereas they'll struggle to find attractive lingerie and probably have pushed out a couple of babies by now suckaaaas

An English Rose Hanging On My Wall

2007-10-11T01:48:00.000-07:00

yesterday afternoon phil came over and we sat on the balcony for a while engaging in pleasant conversation and nibbling on some delicious white chocolate from Aldi. he noticed that my mother had a new top, she really likes phil and his delicate mannerisms. omg! i showed him that dress i'd bought off eBay and he shared my shock of how different it was from the picture! quite hideous really, but i don't have enough confidence to leave negative feedback. we went out to get a drink, got slightly distracted from the quest for a drink and ended up in the n'bridge oppy where i bought an old crusty painting of some flowers. one of the ladies, noticing that i liked flowers tried to interest me with some disgusting floral saucers, phil made some excuse and boy we got out of there quickly. it's true that i want clashing floral pieces but the colour scheme wasn't cool ugly-tacky, it was just ugly ugly-tacky!
we popped in Mrs Watson which is this really nice store just a few doors down and the lady always stocks really nice dresses. we talked to her for a while and she didn't seem insulted at all that we didn't want to buy anything in her store, but she gave us directions to all these other cool stores. she had the most fabulous wallpaper! we decided we must get some for our dilapidated apartment that we're living in near the end of next year.
so we went to this really cute store that had really cute neighbouring stores as well. this lady who owned it just had this air of class and superiority that was sooo appealing for that age (50+). it had all these old sewing patterns from the 1960's and elegant gloves and really, really big-name vintage apparel! and a+ squeaky wooden floors
we finally settled for a drink in a cafe at the crag, and for a can of diet coke, tiny friande (spelling?) and even tinier portugese tart it was $12!! i thought it was ridiculous, but the price was justified when across the road, hair billowing in the wind and general wonderfulness radiating from him to my (smashed!) heart i see ***. you know, the one i hadn't seen in two years blah blah blah. it was cruel. so cruel. and once again, one moment he was there and the next he was goneeeeeeee

8 DAYS UNTIL THE HSC!!! WOOOOOOOOOO MAN I'M SO EXCITED 3 WEEKS OF PURE DELIGHT!!

blah

2007-10-10T06:04:00.001-07:00

WATCH ME AS I EAT UP YOUR INSIGNIFICANT SOUL IN ONE GULP OVER AND OVER THEY DIE ONE AFTER THE OTHER

Kody

2007-10-09T20:06:00.000-07:00

Kody sat down on the avenue
He tapped his feet, to the humming of the highway
He watched the light shine down on the broken glass and thought
I don't got no reasons, yet
There it is and there it was
It was clear to all of us
We kept this hat of broken dreams
And we pulled them out, when we needed them around

So please hand me the bottle, I think I'm lonely now
And please give me direction, I think the hurt set in
And I don't feel nothing

There's a squeak hinge down on the back gate
It lets us know if he comes around
I don't sleep that good anyway
If you've never heard that silence, it's a God awful sound

I don't feel nothing, no I don't feel nothing
There's nothing to feel good about here

Don't much get down to the avenue
I could drive, but it takes so much to get there
Don't get off on all the broken glass, the cadillac scene,
Well
I've seen a lot of good things die and I'm
In an over emotional way

oh jobe pass me your exquisite knife collection

2007-10-09T04:56:00.000-07:00

argghh tonight sucked so bad it was just shit
last week i'd already said that i would pick up my parents from the airport so i had to go do that and when i'd gotten on the road i realised that there had always been someone with me when i'd driven to the airport so i was like fuck i'm totally winging this (i'm a really, really bad navigator) and it was alright i made it to the bondi / randwick turnoff all sweet infact i actually made it to the airport pretty ok but then i was trying to get into this tiny carparking spot and i got all flustered because cars were banking up and i backed out and scraped the mother fucker of a wide car on my left and i thought it didn't do any damage then i get out and there's this gashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh all down the side. fuck! then i realise that i've never picked anyone up from the domestic terminal only the international so i'm sitting on some fucking hard bench glaring at everyone who stared at my stupid hat because my hair was dirty and waited a lifetime in a general area because i'd forgotten the flight number
then because i was so mad i'd forgotten completely where i'd parked and we literally spent about 20 minutes looking for it
the air is already tense
they see the scratch
i insulted the stupid picture of a tiger my little (cough BIG) brother had bought and you could've cut the silence with a knife on the drive back home
i tried to lighten the atmostphere, "hey do you guys know of the band evermore? i met them on sunday" and no one replied. 20 seconds later, mum goes "ah..no..chris?" dad remains silent
fuck this i feel like running away but actually just pitching a tent on the local oval so i can be left alone with no cars to scratch, no one to pick up and in general no commitments to burden my already burdened mind

but i'd probz be murdered or something

oh yeah and because i was so angry when jobe called i briskly turned down seeing angus and julia stone even though they had a free way in. regret sinks in!!!!
mer
i feel like i aged about 5 years tonight

little birrrrdy in my kitchen!

2007-10-09T00:40:00.000-07:00

distractions always tempt me and they always win! i had just sat down to do some study this afternoon and about 3 minutes into this horrid session i hear a strange noise coming from the kitchen and i'm all like what is that? so i get up and alas there are two naughty magpies indulging in my cats bowl! eating their cat biscuits! this diversion was highly appreciated so i ran to get my cam and in my enthusiasm i scared one away but i managed to get a picture of one of the little devils eating and a video of him trip trapping around my (filthy thanks to tom and i) kitchen!
look!

bored? clearly!
love, me

In Between Days

2007-10-06T04:26:00.000-07:00

i didn't get a wink of sleep last night!
i got to bed at about 2 and it was just tom and i in the house and he'd been tucked in for ages i think so i locked up and read for a bit and at 3 someone called my house phone and i let it ring out and they didn't hang up for the message bank, whoever called just left the phone engaged
then i started freaking the fuck out like holy shit either there's some burglars who know my fam's outta town and are calling to confirm, or there's a murderer in the house trying to get me up so he can slash my throat
so i stayed in a completely still foetal position with my light on with my hands curled around my cellular waiting to dial 000 until the sun was up
i heard so many noises and door handles but when i felt brave enough to check because the sun was now up there was no one there
i think i'm developing mild paranoia or schizophrenia, because i have this constant belief that someone is following me and trying to kill me and that they can always hear my thoughts
it's not healthy i think i need help but i don't know i'm pretty sure there is someone on my tail. on my trail

You Say I'm Crazy I Say I'm Passionate. Hymn To The Sea

2007-10-05T08:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight i watched my favourite film and in my opinion the saddest, for the first time in 10 years
Titanic went to the cinema in 1997 and i remember it so clearly, i was only seven years old and my dad took Tom and i, and i remember sitting in my chair and Tom was on my left letting the folding chair eat him because the pounding water scared him. If he had maybe faced his fears and looked at me he would have seen an emotion he'd never seen me wear before, but one that he would see more and more as i got older and more thoughtful and solitary and unstable. i was only 7 but i remember that it was the saddest i'd ever felt and i hoped and hoped not that i would find love and have it snatched away within a matter of days, but just that i could have that and die if that's what had to happen
10 years later i'm 17 and Rose was seventeen when she met Jack so i thought it time that i finally watch again. i'd put it off for sooooososososo long because i kinda didn't want to cry but i did watch it and i cried so much! it made me feel so many things but already half of those feelings have gone but

but
i think that was what i mainly felt... nothing lasts forever ..kinda? everything goes. and everyone is so small in the great scheme of things
Jack and Rose, fictional or not (take your pick the debate is forever ripe), found the most beautiful and astounding love, perhaps one in a million, one in a hundred million would have a glimpse of something similar. but there are six billion six hundred two million two hundred twenty-four thousand one hundred seventy-five people on our planet alone!! it's so special but so what?
if your main aim was to be remembered, you'd be screwed. Jack won his tickets on the maiden voyage of Titanic therefore there was no record of his time on Titanic. his parents died when he was 15, he had no siblings. travelling the world as he pleased, he had no ties anywhere. Rose was the most important person in his life and, really, the only person, and now he's dead he only is remembered in Rose's memory but she's 101 she's JUST ABOUT FUCKING DEAD and she lived for you Jack she never let go of the promise but everything ends and the most amazing person in the world leaves no trace of himself, she goes and he dies again, his existence disappears, did he even exist?

i always thought i wanted to be remembered but it seems a stupid quest which i don't really intend to embark upon in this life anymore. People always say 17 is so young but are you crazy?! it's not. Jack died when he was 20 and Rose lost Jack when she was 17 and time flies so fast that before i know it i'll be dead or have done nothing i'm proud of. i'm not going to wait another 10 years for a realisation like this, i seriously have to get out of this fucking country and find something worth living, or dieing for. i want that love and that feeling of self sacrifice that i've never had because my life is running out in all senses! i don't care if i die just as i've discovered something worthwhile, because that's better than meandering around until you're 30 or 50 or 100 and your looks and soul have withered with your pointless existence, and all hope is gone. i don't care if i'm not remembered and if my memory dies with the only person i ever shared my life with because i'm in this for me, and only those i care about. i guess you only do get one life and knowing me i'll be killed or i'll kill myself before it starts losing momentum BECAUSE THAT'S A LIFE WORTH BEING LIVED, isn't it!?
i just don't care if it rips me apart or worse, i'm 17 and i have about 5 months left until i'm an 'adult' and i just can't fucking handle that, i have to get outta here in 4 months tops and be small in the big scheme of things and be forgotten in the uncontrollable death of things and be passionate and just generally live. love and be loved and then be forgotten
it's the role i was handed it's the luck i plan to find

no one lasts forever so follow your dreams and do it quickly, if love is what you want do it and then be done with it. it's your wonderful life but billions of other people have theirs too, don't waste time with tactics and making an eternal mark, it's in vanity. the unsinkable ship will sink, you be sure of it, so do what you have to do before it sinks or even better get killed in the process, in the intensity of it.
however many tears, i know i plan to!

"Make it count"

Daniel Kymona & Ratchell

2007-10-03T19:33:00.000-07:00

went to the beach yesterday but didn't swim
went to sell chocolates yesterday but we were too scared to approach fellow teenagers or even pre-pubescents. we were the geeks that day
went to get a calippo but they only had tropical?!
still ate it
went to danielle's house with no appetite but ate a pb sandVICH and drank gallons of water and watched sum crime. waited ages for BOOORADLEY but he didn't show and dk is going to the central coast for the weekend with georgette
went to my house for a swim but didn't swim because it was ffreezing!
watched the MASK. smokin'!
i have an empty house from friday through till tuesday !
i did 2.5 hours of study this morning and sushi awaits this arvenin' yayyyyyyy

All I Ever Wanted Was Your Life

2007-10-03T19:29:00.000-07:00

My mouth fell open Hoping that the truth Would not be true Refuse the news
I'm feeling sick now What the fuck am I Supposed to do? Just lose and lose

First time I saw you You were sitting Backstage in a dress A perfect mess
You never knew this But I wanted badly for you too Requite my love

Left on the floor Leaving your body When highs are the lows And lows are the way
So hard to stay Guess now you know I love you so

I liked your whiskers And I liked the Dimple in your chin Your pale blue eyes

You painted pictures Cause the one Who hurts Can give so much
You gave me such

WHO ARE PARENTS? explained

2007-10-01T19:28:00.000-07:00

last night was really fun, at around 6pm dhan and i made a crazy run to the bottle shop because we thought maybe they would close early being a public holiday and also made an icecream dash at manly, i had vanilla with gummi bears and twix mmmmm. we were joined by ro & phil.
then i went homeskies and had a quick slice or two of pizza den went to dani k's. just a small group, dhan, phil, ben, lora, jake and myself.

i was the official measurer in regards to BEN OR PHIL> WHO HAS SKINNER TOP THIGH?
i think i gave phil the title and ben got a bit pouty

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what the crap was this bird up to? thinking back it can't have been too healthy, walking along the road in the middle of the night and coming across a small bird sleeping standing up on the front lawn???? oh poor little guy i bet he's dead

so we stopped at marcus's place, then walked lora home . phil was trying to peg a dead lizard at me, cunt. we all climbed in the teensy back seat which is bens datsun, sat there for a while but some how everyone had disappeared and it was just ben and i chatting. i think i mainly complained how i couldn't move much and there wasn't much available oxygen!

phil walked me part of the way home but jeez i was so scared again, and looking back i must have been incredibly wasted because i was running down the middle of a 6-lane bridge (by myself) jumping over the waist-high barrier every few seconds so the axe murderers couldn't get a swing at me. knowing me i was probably sooking like a little girl because i was so scared. then a car came and i was like shit im in the middle of this fucking bridge so i ran down the path calling tom to pick me up or i'm gonna dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
he did!
haha i got a message in the morning from phil saying "are you alive or did the man in the bushes get you?" clearly i was a mess but i would have actually had the same outlook despite my mental state!
fun night

WHO ARE PARENTS?

2007-10-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

mayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyn today im sposed to start studying for the HSC but its 2 in the morn and im blazed as a dog. hahah i had the best night i cant ewait to look at the photos that ben took of us with a sleeping bird ahaha i dont think ive ever laughed so much in m liife in fact i cant believe i did a public something in fact i cant believe i am not sleeping so ii can study bright and early i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ma life and birds who sleep standing up on lawns :)

reeeeow BITE

2007-09-30T03:59:00.000-07:00

oh sweet nuthingz haha i can't believe i called a faceless population homos and told possibly no one to SCRAM! unscram yourselves it was just an expression of emotion i was feeling at the time

i didn't do much of anything today, it was suprisingly... refreshing perhaps? turned down the occasion of 'parklife' with my friends squillions of years ago given it really was not my idea of fun and the id thing is just too annoying, turned down jobe's offer of going to his friends house in newport i think. i'm wayyy too anti-social for an intimate setting like that! i would love to be able to achieve a sociable quality in an environment like that but to put it bluntly it's not going to happen it's just my personality!
so i woke up quite late.. 11ish maybe. contemplated going for a dip in the water but pushed it out of my mind. we have hens now and quite frankly they really piss me off and i avoid crossing paths with them. they are pushy and aggressive and scare away other friendly birds that i might like to feed and also my beautiful cats. fuckers!!! i dusted the skirting boards of my room to 60's surf/garage rock, read a book that jobe bought for me for $2 ( to jobe- i was right it IS extremely cliched and predictable yet still enjoyable, thanks for the gift darlin') sat on the deck with lucy my cat for a while with a big icy beverage of some special power juice, listened to some more surf genre slash southern hillbillyish genre musik, ate some icing that mum had leftover from a ginger cake she was making and then ate some of the finished product! now my cat monty is sitting next to me

so as a result of this fine sunday i have come to the conclusion that
a) i am extremely un-sociable, and
b) i spend wayyy too much time with my cats

but i'm so happy! obviously something is right in this arrangement!

27/09/07

2007-09-28T17:36:00.000-07:00

I just have to back track a little, back to Thursday 27/09/07. a special occassion given that school finished!
morning started at ro's place, food and drinks, (i was late) then we all made the short trip to school. the farewell assembly probably was the best ever! a chronological order of photos from y7-y12 showed that thankfully our looks had improved :)

this photo was from our last proper day of school on wednesday. ms martin is our biology teacher and she's from avalon (did a bit too much druggie drugs in her youth therefore) and everyone hates her because she's real crap and forgets names but this morning she made us all breakfast and gave us biology mugs !! so she's liked now

farewell assembly

we knew katie would be the first!

after this we all went for more drinks and food at the park

stayed here for majority of the afternoon it was reallllllllly nice and tasty

ew then we had to have formal graduation at night. a waste of my life it completely destroyed the wonderful farewell assembly vibe. basically, it was hell boring, when i went up to get my certificate and miss morrison aka 'morry' said "after school rachel plans to grow her hair down to the floor" all the adults laughed and then morry screwed up the my final sentence and i got stuck on stage going 'mer!.' i didnt actually mind that it added some character i thought but later phil told me she rung him and was all like 'is rachel angry!' nooooooo but he said yes :) so i guess i have a favour coming my way

then it was more drinks at chrissos. weird stuff happened, ie **** AND HOLLY. fuck i'll never get overz that one, i'm meant to be carrying his child

i took this photo on the way home i just thought it was so cute the furry little possum kept staring naaw!

i think i will add that the walk home through the bush track was disgusting i could feel millions of eyes on me everyone thinks im just paranoid but you'll see i'm right when one day you find my body with an axe lodged in my forehead wahhhh :( !

next day jobeus and i went opshopping/ smoothie drinking. i was really tired. clearly it was now 28/09/07.

2007-09-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

woah i didn't even know rage tickets were on sale today
kinda devs but i have no money anyway i guess i'll just see em at big day out or something
testify!

And i hoped they would prick themselves and fall asleep for a thousand years

2007-09-26T22:46:00.000-07:00

i'm really over the whole 'pale complexion / dark clothes / the whole group dresses the same' trend. i like pale skin, but not when it's the trend and you actually avoid being an australian and going outside to prevent a tan which would come naturally to you. (but if you're naturally pale that's pretty)
and when you see groups of people and they're all wearing the same black jeans or tights, black leather jackets or trench coats, black high necked tops and group-wide 'disinterested' attitudes etc. it makes me wonder is this really your personality? because your non-conformist exterior is actually the conformist now, everyone does it so shame. summer is around the fucken corner don't deny the rites of spring. also in your big groups it kinda looks like you all came from the same mother who dresses ya in the morning or something!. this isn't a rant, i don't even know why i'm concerning myself with this i guess it's just a casual opinion and i have many opinions. i like wearing black so maybe i'm just a hypocrite but at least there's a bit of variety in the gang. it's not like is that a girl or a boy? do they know how to smile? it's not my fault if you get offended because it's not like you share your thoughts homos .you just reading mine. SERIOUSLY scram! why do i even do this shit on the internet!

in contrast, so far this day has been perfect

notice of importance

2007-09-25T02:31:00.000-07:00

yes everyone, i DO have credit!!!!
flinging a text, the first sentence has been "is this rach?" or "wait, you have credit?"
I HAVE CREDIT ON MY CELLULAR yah it is rach!!!

Me

2007-09-25T00:50:00.000-07:00

Jobe reckons that i'm Jane off Daria!
he told me initially that i was daria but then he said i was actually more laidback than daria and that i was her best friend, Jane :

hmmmm ok!
i guess i can kinda see it

Aha Shake Heartbreak

2007-09-24T03:44:00.000-07:00

Huffman don't take no nonsense
He's here to rectify
He's got his black belt buckle,
And the red man's fire in his eye

You with your switchblade posse,
I'll get my guns from the south,
We'll take to the yard like a cock fight
Four kicks who's strutting now?

This party is overrated,
But there aint shit else to do
She's a lovin' on a boy from the city,
I'll be lovin' him under my shoe

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lately i've been listening to/ in the mood for music that you would play when you're smashing shit! it really fits how i feel at the moment, not to be mistaken for an angry mood where you're smashing your enemy's china shelf with rage but rather a really, really enthusiastic happiness because everything is so so gr8888 where you just want to smash even your own stuff, take a baseball bat and just drag it along your walls whilst jumping on your bed with a huge grin and hair over your face to the music that encourages this mood! because you have all this bounce built up and you just want to leave a little (or big) path of destruction to show for it. yeah boi totally!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i don't want to smash my room it's nice and my cat's in there
FOUR KICKS

rant pt. II

2007-09-23T05:41:00.001-07:00

i really hate those girls that apply like, 12 applications of fake tan in one go, plus bronzing lotion on the day. you know, the kind you see in big female groups at festivals, all wearing the same high-waisted denim shorts, singlet, headband and wayfarers. oh, and plimsoles. but the main dislike of mine is your fucking streaky legs. it's not even raining but your tan has bled all over the place, running in rivers down your legs, collecting at your ankles and staining your white plimsoles. and don't even get me started on your fucked up (bronzed) faces !!

it's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? do you think that shit looks good? looks hot? na!

Do you speak-a my language?

2007-09-23T01:50:00.001-07:00

DON'T BE A MENACE TO SOUTH CENTRAL WHILE DRINKIN' YOUR JUICE IN THE HOOD

2007-09-22T22:49:00.000-07:00

yesterday was p-kay, ray & d-kay in windy locations and fries and sushi and gelato and really, really bad service. today was p-kay, ray & d-kay plus some more with ... fairy floss, really fast (vomitronn) swings and chill sesh's. oh and back up singing!
<3
it's love

"oh look you girls got your faces painted!"
"no this is just how we do our makeup?"

This felt like a journal entry

2007-09-21T05:56:00.000-07:00

cute
a word that seems really fitting for today, everything was just v. cute.
sitting here now in phil K's room surrounded by phil and dan and empty bottles and cigarettes everything is cute!
school was quite cute, we had a debate in art against THE OTHERS. very cute, we lost but our arguments were killa
we farewelled our principal in period 2 and my eyes weren't dry hahaha because i'm really going to miss school! cute

omg a guy at work asked me to his year 12 formal. oh man it's at aloysius could it be more awkward for me surrounded by confident private school boys this antisocial commoner is gonna disappear! it'll be alright i'll just get plastered and everything will be fine. omg i'm gonna have to dance and i'll be taller than him in stupid fucken' heels and it'll just be a disaster ahhhh i'm dreading it! cute though

time to get back to my cutIESSS who are totally larfing in the bed!
xxxxx

ps. KINGS OF LEON!

I'm so! pretty

2007-09-20T04:53:00.000-07:00

Phil and I have to come up with a written and verbal apology for our Visual Arts class because we were late and apparently 'disturbed the class'
what class Morrison ! everyones sciving off now we've only got about 5 school days left ever.
but we were late for a really good reason, Phil was being the truest a true friend could be because i remembered at 10.10am that morning (while i was at school) that a dress i wanted to bid on on eBay was ending at 11.30 and i had no means of contacting my mum to bid for me and i couldn't get home in time and i couldn't access a non-DET PORTAL blocked computer so i could bid. i was all nervous and shaky because i really wanted this dress and i couldn't get it and ah ah ah then it was 11.15 and i ran to phil and said PHIL YOU HAVE TO DO ME A FAVOUR YOU HAVE TO SPEED DRIVE ME TO YOUR HOUSE SO WE CAN BID ON MY BEAUTIFUL DRESS (he knew the sensational quality of the dress) and he was like merr OK! and jay's like i'm coming too! so we ran out to the front of the school but because the night before a car had been lit on fire and exploded in the teachers carpark our Dep. Princy was hangin' around, loitering, patrolling that sort of thing and we couldn't leave she made Phil go and get his "guitar" from his car. hahahahah phil came back carrying a guitar
hilarious
then she said i need coffee i trust you girls to patrol the area and we're all like yeah! naturally, we were gone in a flash speeding to phil's house (it was probably about 11.21 now) and we made it but then vicki phil's computer was being all sluggish and i was all like ah and phil and jay got to see my king eBay skills as i wait to the last seconds and WHAMMY! :)
it's a really nice dress!
:

2007-09-19T03:56:00.001-07:00

Aw shit i just remembered something i really had to write
I WENT FOR A RUN THIS EVENING!
this simply had to be blogged seeing as i hadn't done any vigourous/ intentional exercise in about a month
and five years
!!!!
i had to go at night because the concept of public exercise makes me blush just envisioning myself puffing and other people seeing this. GROSS! a slight problem because i clearly have an overactive imagination and i had to run about 20 metres away from the edge of the bushes (on a round oval) so no hermits could grab me or bush hidin' teens could roll me etc etc. so a circumference of about 800m got cut to like......................... a lot less (i dropped mathz)
i couldn't find the exit through the bushes so i ended clawing my way through spiders webs and rapidly flapping my hands in front of my face so there were no spidery surprises. haha i wish there was some sort of film i'm such an awkward exerciser
but yeah! i feel as if i'll look down and they'll be nothing there, i exercised it all away
GROSS!
no exercise ever again, apart from necessary escapades and things like that are necessary and shit, because that's necessary not gross

"FORGET BUT NOT FORGIVE"

2007-09-19T03:45:00.000-07:00

how does this make you feel?
i think it's quite refreshing and maybe one day i'll abide by it but for now most people in my life i couldn't think about forgetting and i don't think there's anything to forgive
this is great! why did i used to be so melancholy all the time there's no infinite sadness just a bit of bi-polar now & then
:) :) :)

yep

2007-09-18T03:14:00.000-07:00

I just realised it's quite ironic that my attitude to correct spelling is a positive and quite involved attitude, however my signature URL is nihgtpuppy
hahahhaa fuck! 'signature URL!' i make myself fucken sick to my own stomach, what a horrible reflection of the times

i didn't even come up with nihgtpuppy it just got slapped in ma face one night in wellington by a lovely and it stuck
yep

a jumbled mess in my brain

2007-09-17T04:42:00.001-07:00

geeeeeziz i am feeling so confused right now
i just got back from that open night thingo and it was mainly questioning and answering and there were two lecturers/directors there, one for the applied photography course (which i thought i would DEFINITELY be there for) and one for creative advertising. i feel so confused, they were saying how in photography they give you a brief and something to photograph and then you have to go and do it. i mean, i knew that we wouldn't be given TOTAL freedom but this seems so confining. then the creative advertising man (who may i add i have fallen in love with) said a bit about his course. it sounds sensational and really like me but the problem is i don't think you get to execute your ideas and that would drive me flipping mad. and i talked to the photography dood for ages and i said my favourite subject was photography but then he said but do you like writing and i said yes i love it and he said creative? and i said yes and analytical because i like to analyse everything. and he said hmmmm. take both interviews for both courses and we'll tell you where you fit best
THIS IS ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED! FOR SOMEONE TO TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT PATH TO TAKE! YAY!

Into the Looking Glass it's Rachele in Wonderland, excusez-moi, Rachele en Wonderlande

2007-09-16T23:13:00.000-07:00

oh dear school was dreary and drab and bleak and more today
tonight i'm going to check out with my photo friends a possible place for me after school!
http://www.icpp.net/index.asp?menuid=010

i actually think it looks v. sensational, the course i would take (Diploma of Arts in Applied Photography) is only 2 years i think, so my ageing process at the end of it would be a little less severe!

today i began my quest of trying to convince best man phil to take a gap year with me! we came to a possible compromise that i will go the europe way for a while and mid-yearish we will meet up in the US of A !
!!!!!!!!!
we know deep in our hearts that dani wont come

but seriously! after the 9th of november my life is gonna get so good, possibly the greatest it has ever been. formal will be great, the prospect of schoolies makes me incredibly nauseous but hopefully it will pass in a drunken blur or something of a similar nature, and i can laugh about the horrible concept of schoolies once it has passed. then the day i get back jesse AKA Rod le Rod touches down on this red earth we call home
then it's the summer of '07 (the best days of my life)
then it's goodbye everyone and off to russia
then it's goodbye eastern europe and hello america !
then it's '08 and i'm still 18!

oh my god i love my future

P/M/H ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY BREAK IN

2007-09-16T03:26:00.000-07:00

IT WAS EXACTLY ONE YEAR AGO TODAY THAT ME AND PHIL BROKE INTO P/M/H'S HOUSE/LAIR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU DO NOT KNOW THE STORY OF P/M/H/, BASICALLY HE IS THE SLAYER AND MURDERER WHO OCCUPIES THE ABANDONED HOUSE WHICH MY BEDROOM WINDOW OVERLOOKS, USING THIS LAIR AS A MEANS OF DISPOSING THE BODIES OF HIS VICTIMS (SAW FOR DISMEMBERIN', ACID BATH FOR BURNIN' AWAY REMAINS). HE KNOWS I BROKE IN AND STOLE HIS MOST PRIZED POSSESSION, I THOUGHT MAYBE I SHOULD PASS THE INFO ON BEFORE MY UNFORTUNATE DEATH.

I THOUGHT IT WAZ FINALLY TIME TO FACE MY FEARS AND AT LEAST LOOK AT THE PHOTOS WE TOOK. I ALSO SPENT ABOUT 1.5 HOURS LOOKING FOR THE NEWSPAPER ARTICLE WE (WELL I, SEEING AS IT'S AT MY HOUSE) ALSO STOLE, AND BY THE END OF IT I WAS A NERVOUS WRECK THINKING P/M/H HAD BROKEN IN AND RECLAIMED IT >>>>>>FOUND IT! HAHA IT WAS BEHIND A BOOKCASE, BUT I HAD RESORTED TO LOOKING IN FILING CABINETS, FILED UNDER MY LITTLE BROTHERS NAME (BECAUSE HE WOULD HAVE BEEN A LESS VALUABLE VICTIM (HA JOKES!)
I DECIDED TO POST THESE PHOTOS. IF YOU LIVE IN THE NORTHERN AREA OF SYDNEY HE IS A MENACE TO YOU. SYDNEY AREA IN GENERAL, YOU COULD BE AT RISK. EVERY NIGHT FOR THE PAST WEEK I HAVE BEEN KEPT AWAKE BECAUSE HE'S MADE CONSTANT TRIPS TO HIS BASEMENT AT APPROX. 12-12.30 AM. MY DESTINY IS PRETTY MUCH SEALED (DEATH BY P/M/H, BODY DISPOSAL BY ACID BATH COURTESY OF P/M/H) HE KNOWS WHAT I HAVE DONE BUT MAYBE THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU.
:

SHOVEL FOR BURYIN'

SHOWER (FOR WASHING AWAY DNA)

ANCIENT BATHROOM (LOCATION FOR ACID BATH)

DIRT PATCH (POSSIBLE BURIAL)

WEIRD CONTRAPTION

SAW FOR HACKIN'

I DON'T KNOW WHAT

ACID BATH EXPERIMENTATION ON POOR CAT

WEIRD FETISH WITH VICTIMS?

THE VINE POINTS TO THE SHOVEL OF MYSTERY AKA MURDERY

FINALLY, NEWSPAPER ARTICLE RETRIEVED FROM LAIR. POSSIBLE VICTIM, POSSIBLE TROPHY OF MURDER

IF YOU KNOW HER PLEASE TELL ME!!!! www.myspace.com/nihgtpuppy

For somebody who don't drive

2007-09-15T06:59:00.000-07:00

I been all around the world
Some people say, I done all right for a girl

when i was meant to be allocating time to finding interesting uni courses i actually got sidetracked planning a trip i intend to take within the next couple of years
I WANT TO GO ON A DUSTY, HOT ROADTRIP AROUND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. with this wonderful idea floating around in my head and bouncing joyfully off my spongey brain i just know that jesse will want to come too!
i want to go in a really old pick up truck with a rounded bonnet, faded paintwork (i envision subtle orange) and an interesting history of owners, and scour the smaller town opshops and diners and make casual aquaintances with the small town white trash people, and ride bikes with the little children with rats tails who say ma and pa and teach them that there are other means of entertainment than killing cats, like weed and cold beers and stargazing
!!
think how fun it would be! barely any clothing and barely a care!

ps. of course i drive!

I WANT A JACK DAWSON-TYPE AND A TITANIC-TYPE ROMANCE!!!!! (SORRY ROSE)

2007-09-15T05:12:00.000-07:00

I definitely feel as if i have a problem with reality
or.. is there a jack dawson out there for me!! i feel as if i'll never meet him because i have a severe problem with cruise ships because everyone always dies on them i guess you could say it's my phobia.
but he was my perfect man!
artistically perfect, thoughtfully perfect, aesthetically perfect, financially perfect, lifestyle perfect. perfect perfect perfect !!!

i have come to a fatal conclusion that perhaps i am very discontent with reality and that often i lose the ability to distinguish between real and thought, that i often become so absorbed in what i was thinking about i have to stop myself and scorn myself, "no, that's not real." it's only recently i've begun doing this because i'm not sixteen anymore and i can't whittle away an imaginary life, mainly because the boring and extremely limited reality shocks and depresses me when i return!! oh my god i have to stop , my dissatisfaction with actuality will be what kills me!

Work

2007-09-12T23:28:00.000-07:00

Gahhhhhhhba it's 4.27 and i need to leave for work in 18 minutes and i haven't showered or nuthin'. fuckk i hate work and i hate working by myself on thursdays and i hate working in a people environment. maybe i'll grab a handful of change out of the register and go to a really high point and drop them on every single customers head so they die and i am fired and don't have to go through the tedious process of quittiing. this is such a ridiculous plan that i feel shame in myself and i'm going to go and shower and (maybe) grin and bear it out wah wah wah wah wah sook sook DROP!

OH AND ONE MORE THING!

2007-09-11T23:22:00.000-07:00

JESSE IS COMING OVER ON THE 3RD OF DECEMBER!
this is going to be the best summer of my life, she's staying till feb!

I don't really have any thoughtful insights to share...

2007-09-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

So maybe i'll just do a gay recount of my day!! cory kennedy i wanna be just like youuuu you so fly babyyeeee

lets see
i got the school bus to school because i'm trying to get in as much school bus time during my LAST 10 DAYS OF SCHOOL!!!!
biology was crap because i'm crap at biology, katie and I talked about how we're gonna have to go to TAFE!!!!(spew vomit blehhhh apart from enmore) because we let ourselves slide
had a year meeting, general motivational stuff from principal brommy, "DON'T LOSE MOMENTUM ON THE FINAL STRETCH!" jess made an (un)moving speech (pour moi)(for me)(sorry darling my eyes were as dry as the sky was today) but im sure the girls without AIDS felt teary.
had a free. my buddies weren't hangin' around they had a meeting with principal brommy/ kama..Z, so i went to the local shops and bought myself a large takeaway cappucino no sugar and 3 donuts from the bakery, one for me and one for each of my free companions katie and phil! yummm. unluckily when i got back they were back but so were about 5 other friends, but i didn't have donuts for them! ha!
at recess we had a formal meeting because our formal venue had been double booked by a ditz called MIA and we could no longer be at the argyle! so now it's at taronga zoo wahooo and it is $150 now instead of $190. and a bus straight to town afterwardz. hakuna matata!
english was aiight, ew jokes! english was alright, i sat at the front with annabelle and we had to write an essay for transformations. i explained to miss reid that i really didn't feel comfortable presenting an argument FOR the effectiveness of the transformed text Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead because, because i think it's rubbish and i don't like telling lies in written forms! especially compared to Hamlet. she nodded and smiled and understood that i think it's rubbish, and i felt like i had to please her so i said maybe i'll just tell some lies and get some easy marks. she nodded and smiled again so i'm not too sure what i'll do, let's tackle that obstacle on monday the 22nd of october!
i got two buses home, i ate bite sized rice crackers and drank some juice and watched an ep. of law and order SVU
now i need to do some french! kill me!

gummiiiiiiii <3

2007-09-08T21:39:00.000-07:00

oh mannnn my stomach hurts
i just got back from castlecrag and i must have eaten about 4 big bags of lollies all in one go. i thought i'd pulled it off healthily but now that i'm home i'm reaping the non-benefits of wolfing down that many lollies.
why can't i have a fruit-tooth or a legume-tooth, not a sweeeeeeeeeet4lolliez-tooth.
who am i kidding, i'm not complaining !

Let a Frown be your Umbrella

2007-09-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

i've been having such a nice weekend !
if we are indeed hit by a bomb or nuclear blast, at least i die a happy soul!

sleep took a long time to come to the dead man's bed

2007-09-05T00:47:00.001-07:00

last night
probably because we had coffee at max brenner then at neutral bay with georgie. so my blood caffeine level was quite high! higher than normal for 10pm on a tuesday night
I approve of the new face, i honestly don't get on with many people, or i could but i don't bother and someone special asked me to please try! i didn't even have to try,
haha i feel kinda bad i'm not going to regurgitate anything i said because i'm even shocked at myself but near the end of the drinks she said 'umm you make me really sad'
i was telling jokes! we were all laughing at the flirting going on at the counter and the relationships we formed with people on the other side of the glass, it was a light hearted atmosphere and i still manage to pull something like this! one (or two) slip ups renders my company sad. hahahaha

i read heaps of old year books,specifically old year twelve memories pages (because that is us in 3 weeks!) aw i'm sad about leaving, real sad

MOMMA I JUST KILLED A MAN

2007-09-03T02:08:00.000-07:00

after romancing the idea since jay, phil, ro and nat did their drama major, and jay blatantly labelling me as a melancholic ("yeah you know phil's a melancholic, rach is a melancholic oh yeah you know the really highs and the really lows, the creativity and artiness, the deepness of your thoughts") i finally decided to find out what temperament i am
jay is correct! (wahoo!) i am melancholicccccc
the only reason i was all say what?! was because i thought melancholIC was basically the same as melancholY. this is not the case and i am extremely pleased with this generic categorisation of my personality! these were my results:

in most senses i think this is me in perfect text form! although i'm not sure about the deadlines and order and planning bit, but apart from that it's spot on! everyone should do this it's so fun

and if you can't read it i don't want you to read it anyway because only people with good eyes are allowed on here

Hum de Lum

2007-09-01T18:38:00.001-07:00

last night was fun!
i was really looking at it as an opportunity to drink away my sorrows, but that really wasn't neccessary because i just had a great time!
(it was katie's 18th, tons of us went on a private cruise around the harbour)

i'm not too sure what the DJ was doing at times. it seemed like she thought it was 2004. but she definitely redeemed herself when she played the RIHANNA UMBRELLA RMX for me twice! haaaaaa i love that song, it's my 'best holiday ever' song

heaps of waiting around on oxford occurred afterwards, i don't really care to elaborate because it's just a tedious task, but i have the best bunch of friends and we had some really good chips. i hadn't been out on a saturday in a while and it surprised me how many kids were still wearing fluro and ecstasy

MY TAXI DRIVER WAS A FREAK!!!!!!! jesus christ we had the most simple directions, take the northbridge exit after the harbour bridge and it's only a few minutes in length trip, but he didn't and we ended up reversing along the freeway with cars speeding past and he was just a nutter basically

muzzle

2007-08-31T22:46:00.000-07:00

I fear that I'm ordinary, just like everyone
To lie here and die among the sorrows
Adrift among the days
For everything I ever said
And everything I've ever done is gone and dead
As all things must surely have to end
And great lovers will one day have to part
I know that I am meant for this world
My life has been extraordinary
Blessed and cursed and won
Time heals but I'm forever broken
By and by the way...
Have you ever heard the words
I'm singing in these songs?
It's for the girl I've loved all along
Can a taste of love be so wrong
As all things must surely have to end
And great lovers will one day have to part
I know that I am meant for this world
And in my mind as I was floating
Far above the clouds
Some children laughed I'd fall for certain
For thinking that I'd last forever
But I knew exactly where I was

And I knew the meaning of it all
And I knew the distance to the sun
And I knew the echo that is love
And I knew the secrets in your spires
And I knew the emptiness of youth
And I knew the solitude of heart
And I knew the murmurs of the soul
And the world is drawn into your hands
And the world is etched upon your heart
And the world so hard to understand
Is the world you can't live without
And I knew the silence of the world

LOVE, ACTUALLY

2007-08-31T05:39:00.000-07:00

fuck
sitting at home now, 10.42pm on a friday night and ironically watching 'love actually' i've never felt so stupid or hated my stupid shy 'i'll do it later' procrastinating self.
just a couple of hours ago i was in the same room as a boy i think i actually felt love towards / the strongest feelings i've ever had, and who i hadn't seen in nearly two years.
two years!!!
and what do i do? walk straight past, a fucking nervous and seemingly oblivious wreck. then compose myself and decide i'll say a hello in the next break >>> oh no sorry rachele fate has decided to strike you out this time, out of all your flukes that weren't really neccessary TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON. ACT FAST ACT QUICK. or it's all gone, just like him.
i'm so stupid and i hate myself, i don't know what love is and i never will and i'll die alone like some crazy cat lady with only cats for company
i can attract a 40 y/0 eternally stoned northern beaches sub teacher but never anyone that actually matters!???!?!!!!!

just put a fucken raygun to my head, life!

Whaaa..?

2007-08-28T23:43:00.000-07:00

I TRULY BELIEVE THAT SYDNEY IS SHRINKING
it seems like as much as i try to be consumed in a mass of people, seeing people i would not expect to see is INEVITABLE
example,
i was watching australian idol auditions, and (the surprisingly gorgeous) matthew corby seemed so familiar to me, he said he lives in cronulla so my first thought was i'd probably just seen him around but then i was like no! that's not right. so i did some brain searching and some youtube searching then i saw a picture of him with a girl i'd bought something off on eBay. !! then i remembered that he had been the model in one of her sales. !!
example 2
the other day when i was making a casual pass through circ. quay i saw some skaters and i was like yep, everythings normal, THEN on closer inspection one looked real familiar and i was like woah he's harry culy from wellington then i noticed 3 others also from wellington and i was like what tha fuckkkk. and max AKA mack attack originally from wellington but now living in bondi, friends with my friends. !!
example 3
i see this funny looking girl with orange hair and no neck EVERYWHERE. i know it's her because she's so funny looking

aidaioihiineiiutyliaijscoiih
what's going on god? playing mind games with me?

rant

2007-08-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

what the fuck is with all these 'cory kennedy' wannabees.? i fail to recognise what is so good about this girl, she's an underage scene whore who actually doesn't dress very well at all and when i think of her i think of the word fleshy. it seems like you'd poke her and despite her malnourished frame your finger would still sink into a mass of pasty flesh. oh, and, right on cue comes all these fucking wannabees with gay blogs that don't offer anything interesting apart from a step by step recount of a scene life. gayyyyyyyy
personally i'd like to read a blog with a little more substance

this whole weekend has actually been kind of gay, really. the only redeeming factor was a sushi train meal with MY HUSBAND (another accusation that contributed to the gayness of my weekend, i don't care to elaborate) but now i'm home again faced with the prospect of study which is a dark, dark prospect

MY TEETH HURT SO BAD!!!

2007-08-19T00:59:00.000-07:00

i think one of them at the back is the culprit he just aches and feels numb but not in a numb way that numbs the pain, but in a way that makes all the surrounding teeth squirm and renders my mouth unable to close
it just hangs like a door on a useless hinge
sucks

in my dream last night i had to bury my friends in the sand by the boardwalk in order to hide them from a faceless enemy! that had no relevance it just popped into my head then
TEETH

isn't it! i got it in three colours

2007-08-17T20:12:00.000-07:00

last night when i was waiting in the car for ****** to get back from the video store i saw an extremely wonderfully suspicious yet thismakesmenervousinmyseat type walking across the road.
do i do it? do i make the move? yeahh why not alice is a quiet roadster or SO I THOUGHT. as he was within a few steps of my door i made the locking all doors move hahaha and fuck that sound resonated throughout the whole suburb. his neck snapped towards me and his eyes burnned my soulllllllllllllllll whilst i sank in my seat

i'm allowed to shake in my seat
i have the authority to lock my doors if i'm feeling threatened
by the way this situation reminds me of the situation last saturday night where those forestville fags with way too much pride for 'insert here'. insert here exists because your pride is questionable and your motives lack any substance
empty empty spiders

Cashews in my Lung

2007-08-15T04:19:00.000-07:00

shit, my body feels so strange at the moment
i just got back from school (9.30pm- finishing majorworks) and we got chicken cashew! from the local pad thai for tea. i have been kinda flu-ish since jobe passed his various diseases onto me on friday night, and haven't really eaten much at all since
but pad thai is too irresistable to resist and the servings are always so huge and now it feels like the cashews have stuck themselves into my withered stomach and maybe even one has lodged just below my lung
it's not an easy pain to describe but it sure does hurt when i breathe

i really need to floss as well

"Trust Me"

2007-08-14T01:01:00.000-07:00

is one of my favourite sayings. i hardly ever use it because i really don't want to render it useless / meaningless. you really have to have a lot of faith in someone to agree to trust them

i had a v. pleasant day today, nothing out of the ordinary, just enjoying my last few weeks of school with my friends, and phil actually told me i was really happy and affectionate in my actions when we were in the darkroom.
he also told me i was violent but it was all in good humour!
trust me,

Wild Mood Swings Make An Intense Girl?

2007-08-13T05:20:00.001-07:00

i had this startling thought today that what if people other than phil and jay were reading this thing
if you are, that makes me incredibly nervous because these things come straight from my brain which was formed 17 years ago for my personal use, and anyone who can benefit i guess
i'm definitely NOT going to censor my beautiful thoughts because they're basically the children of my brain, so i think i have like 500 00000000000 000000000 billion children. plus heaps that got away!
oh no wait i'm telling untruths i think i have censored maybe once or twice because even i can tell when something will make someone want to slit their own throat and will portray me as a MONNNNSTER

maybe you have a lot clearer idea of me than me, but i've been working real hard to work it out! recently i've been told i'm quite unapproachable, slightly intimidating, intense, have a quiet speaking voice and a laidback slightly raspy voice ideal for radio.. reflective, moody, funny, that i manage to fluke everything and despite what i think i wont end up going to university i'll make a life for myself another way.. i was the only person in the grade with an original creative writing concept, i bomb out, i'm unreliable, i'm reliable, i'm nice, i'm so nice, i'm gentle, i'm moody, i'm friendly, i have long hair, i'm hard to figure out, i'm blunt, why do i sit 3 metres away from everyone else? am i okay? yes i'm doing beautifully because i'm COLD, i don't want to know you, but maybe i do and just don't realise i feel empty for a reason, my eyes will burn you away before you can start a conversation that i wont sustain with my true personality, i'll just bore you with generic personality that is not me but yet somehow you find that interesting and exclusive!!!!!!!!!!?

it's so hard! you send me mixed opinions which don't help out my already mixed opinions

i'm really not THAT depressed. maybe you think that, but i just think a lot and encourage these obscurities because they're really powerful and substantial, and i can't leave all of them in me because i'll turn into ashes or something. YOU'RE DARK TOO JUST EMBRACE IT AND LET YOUR EYES TELL A MILLION SINS

a lot of these qualities i got labelled with i'm really pleased with and didn't think i possessed them, ie intense, radio voice, quiet voice, long hair, unapproachable, distant. i think i'm nice but if you're in my face and just mixing for the sake of being a social butterfly i don't wanna know you! i like friends but i really do have a great bunch so i don't need any sour grapes. but if you're nice and have a passion and are generally a friendly person, if you get past the conversation stage i'll love you like i love a lot of people
it's a lot easier to hate than to love for some reason but i just make sure i do a bit of gardening first
maybe judging by these labels i'm a bit of a weed myself!

keep reading and forming your opinions on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE QUEEN OF DOOM AND GLOOM

2007-08-13T00:07:00.000-07:00

really is a wonderful title to have!

2007-08-11T01:04:00.001-07:00

Realisation Pt II

2007-08-11T00:51:00.000-07:00

Holy fucken crap i'm a depressed fuck!
Reading over my recent and recent-ish posts it seems blatantly obvious to me that i should start composing some poetry, i'm clearly at a point in my life where i could produce dark and obscure masterpieces.

I Knew If I Turned, I'd Turn Away From You, And I Couldn't Look Back

2007-08-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

i saw The Cure last night
i never imagined i'd arrive almost late to a night like this. but we did, yet we still managed to be right at the very front thanks to jobe's goon manipulation
i wasn't excited.. i can't really explain, even to myself, but i just felt like i'm walking to a big centre but i'll just get there and it will be an empty room and it was all a big trick.. or something.
Robert Smith was literally standing no more than a couple of metres away from me. he was singing to me! he had such a wonderful voice and when he spoke i couldn't understand because of his lovely accent but then he'd smile or look away and it was like, you grasped it. he had these eyes! these amazing eyes that glanced up on rare occasions but when they did it was like he was looking at everyone and letting them take in his soul
i couldn't pinpoint a moment that was the best.. actually thinking back to last night it still doesn't seem like it happened
friday im in love is where we got to the front, and it was immediately followed by just like heaven, which was amazing as He realised that despite the popularity and pop-ish quality of the songs He'd written something that made people Smile or Cry but it was an emotion and everyone was feeling something. lullaby was amazing. the exploding boy was amazing.
i almost thought They were going to leave without playing Plainsong but it came. i think i actually cried, "and it's so cold, it's like the cold if you were dead, and then you smiled for a second" I think i was the only one reaching out at that moment, but how could i not. it was so beautiful and live does Them so much

walking out afterwards i guess i didn't feel the happiness i expected
sure i was euphoric but in a strange way i'd never felt so empty

was this the moment where it was so cold, like the cold if you were dead
but i smiled for a second?

empty is an inexplicable feeling

LOVE WAS WHEN I LOVED YOU ONE TRUE TIME I HOLD TO

2007-08-08T04:58:00.000-07:00

i was just watching a show on max, 1999 rewind or something of a similar title

so.. i forgot how awesome the 90s were? or maybe i didn't forget, i simply REALISED how awesome they were. i guess it was the soundtrack to our lives when we did a lot of growing up, for me at least if you're from another generation.. well that's awesome too. the 90's was heaps of that corny shit that you don't want to admit you like but come on, it's the kind of music you play in the car with your friends and it makes you feel invincible and like the friendships you have will never end and that basically your life is great just at that moment. the early stages even had attributes of grunge.

i think something doesn't become 'cool' until it's gone. i mean, surrounded by the decade of boy bands and d-d-d-dubbing and low camera angles, i'm sure that it seemed lame and wouldn't it be so much cooler to have 'grown up' in the 60s, 70s or 80s. BUT, now that we're in the awful, awful 2000s, or 'noughties' the 90s just seem so damn great.

so i guess i'm just waiting for a little perspective or hindsight on what i believe is a decade of awful music, to hit me in 10 years or maybe 20, and have my little boy sirius ask me what it was like living with all the syyynths and did i ever see RATATAT live?

because i know that's what i do to my parents

WE ENTERED WANTING A HERMIT CRAB AND LEFT WITH A HERMIT CRAB PLUS ALL THE LATEST HERMIT CRAB ACCESSORIES

2007-08-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

MY TRIALS ARE OVERS!
JESUS H CHRIST I'M GLAD I'VE PASSED THAT LITTLE OBSTACLE BY, NOW THERE'S JUST MA MAJORWORK DUE NOT THIS FRIDAY BUT THE NEXT, AND MY HSC FRENCH SPEAKING FITTING IN SNUG AFTER THAT
HENS. HENS ARE GREAT! JESUS H CHRIST THEY ARE SO CUTE. THEY WENT TO BED AT 5.30PM TODAY! I WENT TO CHECK ON THEM AND THEY'D VOLUNTARILY (ACTUALLY THEY ARE A LITTLE WARY OF THE CATS AND OTHER WILDLIFE IN THE YARD) GONE TO THE UPSTAIRS OF THEIR COUP (IT'S A TWO STOREY COUP THEY'RE THE FUCKEN CRAZIEST HENNIES IN TOWN!). THEY JUST WALKED UP THEIR LITTLE RAMP IN SINGLE FILE AND WERE SETTLED DOWN (OK I LIE!! I PEEPED IN THROUGH THE LITTLE PEEP HOLE AND OH MY I SAW AND HEARD A LITTLE BIT OF A RUCKUS) SO I PULLED UP THEIR RAMP AND THEY'RE ALL SETTLED DOWN FOR THE NIGHT.
:)
WE GOT DANIKAY HERMIT CRABS AS PART OF HER PRESENT. I LOOKED AFTER THEM FOR THE NIGHT PRIOR TO HER BIRTHDAY AND I BECAME VERY ATTACHED! THE CRAZY RUCKUS ONE IS CALLED VOLDEMORT AND THE DOSILE LITTLE BABY IS CALLED BUBBALINA. DURING MY TIME WITH THEM I HAD TO CONSTANTLY REFILL THEIR TROPICAL ISLAND POOL BECAUSE VOLDEMORT KEPT DIGGING AROUND IT AND MAKING A RIGHT OLD MESS UNTIL I'D REFILLED IT SO MANY TIMES AND HE'D SPILT IT SO MANY TIMES THAT THEIR SAND WAS SOAKED. SO I CHANGED IT BY DIGGING UP THE SAND AND REARRANGING THE TANK SO HE COULDN'T DO IT AS MUCH. THE NEXT AFTERNOON WHEN DANI AND PHIIL CAME OVER TO PICK UP DANI'S PRESENT WE COULD ONLY SEE VOLDEMORT AND I/WE GOT REAL WORRIED THAT I'D DUG UP BUBBALINA WITH THE WET SAND AND THAT SHE WAS HISTORY! NOT THE CASE, AFTER INCREDIBLE DIGGING WE FOUND HER NESTLED UNDER VOLDEMORT, AND I WAS OFF THE HOOK!
THEY LIKE DIGGING. SOMETIMES THEY CAN NESTLE AND HIBERNATE FOR UP TO 4 WEEKS. A WEEKLY SALT BATH HELPS SHED THEIR EXOSKELETON. EVERY 3-5 MONTHS THEY WANT TO SWITCH SHELLS TO A HOME THAT'S MORE ROOMY AND ACCOMMODATING. 21-27 DEGREES IS PREFERRABLE, HUMIDITY IS VITAL FOR LIFE
I LEARNT SO MUCH ABOUT THESE LITTLE GUYS FROM ONE DAY WITH THEM! GIVING THEM TO THEIR RIGHTFUL OWNER, THE BIRTHDAY GIRL I DIDN'T REALISE HOW MUCH I WAS BABBLING
I'LL BE A GOOD MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG P.S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-08-03T06:11:00.000-07:00

I HAVE HENS

three hens!! two brownies and one blackie cccccccccccrazy!

i love gardening and flowers

2007-08-03T06:01:00.000-07:00

I MISS NZ! I MISS WELLSEPH
i've just been talking to jesse, it's always little snipets of conversation that really embody someone's personality that makes me miss them like crazy:

"i really love photography and film actually, more than fashion i think- i always think to myself that it would be cool to be a filmaker or photographer that was real styley and still made my own clothes but it wouldnt be as cool to be a fashion designer with a side passion of photography"

haha she thinks in so much detail. it always takes me a while to adjust when i come back home and i'm not awoken by her saying "i had the WEIRDEST! dream last night" and then analyse every single detail about how some people from the south claimed she threw hay bales into their truck? or face or something crazy

i'm soooo excited for her to come stay with me for summer. and frith and alex are coming too! we're taking a trip to melbourne sometime while she's here, and we just discussed the possibility of maybe driving along the coast!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

my craving of going to watch a gardening competition DID kinda come true for phils birthday, we took him to a big gardening complex with a cafe and water fountains and tranquiliity everywhere, for breakfast. i forgot dani iis vegetarian now and offered her some of my chorizo, haha only cause it was disgusting and really meaty and yoock.

HAHA we got phil the funniest thing for his birthday. i'm not even gonna say it because im embarrassed, he has such an embarrassing taste in music! lets just say he has let his inner emo flourish

i feel like listening to...
the smiths i think
i'll go put it on and do some stretching

SLEEP TIME!

2007-07-31T23:36:00.000-07:00

wowee i haven't done a post in a while. um okay, life
kinda sucks! or it got slightly good today because i've done my french speaking listening writing and reading exams, english paper 1, visual arts and english paper 2. and have a break until monday! i've never felt like i couldn't use my brain anymore but i actually can't use my brain anymore!
Nineteen Eighty-Four i love you but i'm not writing any more about you or your personification of evil
rosencrantz and guildenstern i hate you and i should have written more about you but i don't care because i'm not going to write lies because you suck!!
emma goldman and socrates i respect you and i really think you DID maintain the textual integrity of your speeches with rhetoric and by drawing on emotions that are essentially human etc, but now i am no longer human i am a robot with a dead brain!!!

which is actually kind of good because i love robots and their metallic quality.

it's phil's birthday tomorrow. i really have to brainstorm something we can do tomorrow morning before his exam (no exams for me!) but my brain has no storm, there's barely even a breeze it's so tired. i really feel like watching some sort of gardening show or show where crazy passionate gardeners compete to have the best garden features but that would be selfish of me

next week is gonna be soooo good i'm so pysched. on thursday we're properly celebrating phil's b'day by a whole friendly group of people going out and then me and DK (the favs) plus phil get to stay in a hotel hopefully with a casino
THEN on friday....... ME AND JOBE ARE GOING TO THE CURE! FUCK YEAH
THEN on saturday DK is having her 18th.

BE GOOD LITTLE MIGRANTS, BE GOOD BE GOOD BE GOOD BE GOOD

I Never Said I Would Stay To The End?

2007-07-24T22:26:00.000-07:00

Hi Rach. Just a random message to let you know that i love you. Oh so much! & that i just feel like hugging you & then getting new orleans dinner/ Coffee with you. X

this made me happy! makes me happy that the girl with no secrets can love this girl with a million secrets. i can share,
i do love you

we exchanged flaws (?) of self for two hours and you share and share and share and share some more and then i share a little bit and let you see just a little bit but we're even. because that's us and that's who we are and you UNDERSTAND.
that i can love you but will probably leave you, not because i don't want to stay but because i have to go
and belong!! it's not treachery

it's just me
and you get it

i feel as if i'm on the sidelines slash Everyone's got the Harry Potter Diseaseee

2007-07-21T18:58:00.000-07:00

im missing out on some really, really fab moments that i wish i had seen!!
which ties in with what i think is the harry potter disease which has struck the world in a wonderful manner!! and im quite sad i haven't been able to enjoy it fully, and for the last time ever as well, because i really would love to fly to the bookshop on my broom

example, yesterday as tom was picking up jakob he told me that jakobs little brother jasper (who is quite a character!!) was dressed up as a wizard (obviously for the final Harry Potter book [sirius come back to life :( sob])
and so was his dad, and they were about to leave to go get the book but jasper was being naughty so his dad said "if you continue in this way we wont go!" and so jasper said "fine! i'll just fly on my Nimbus 2000"
hahahhaa omg that sounds like such an amazing moment i wish it was captured at least on camera if not in memory but i was not there :(

and a lady got her muggle hands on a copy and she read the first line and closed her eyes and exhaled like it was the best line in the world
i was not there

and apparently a man had a voucher for the harry potter book and was sprinting to the bookshop (this is in another country, cold) but it was windy and his ticket got whipped up by the wind and blew into a huge river and without hesitation he dived after it (freezing temperatures!) but had to be rescued and go to hospital, and at the hospital he was still harry potter crazy and made the doctor call the bookshop to reserve him a copy, explaining his situation
what did i say, everyone has the disease! lovely lovely lovely!

oh also,
last night after tom had been at charlies he said that the drummer from radio birdman was there because he was a family friend
!! just casually!

Heathcliff, it's me, your Cathy!

2007-07-17T03:30:00.000-07:00

I'm in the mood for finding a soulmate !!
i think i deserve one
friendly or more than friendly but friendly is fine because i love friends (as long as they're good , soulmate material)
someone i can have comfortable silences with, someone who can appreciate wuthering heights kate bush you make me HAPPY and likes things like musk sticks. ok you don't have to like musk sticks because i acknowledge that i am the only person on the planet who does! so tasty
WHERE ARE YOU SOULY! i want a shared interests friend who delivers lots of smiles, a little bit of other things but mostly smiles
!!
:)

REALISATION

2007-07-16T06:17:00.000-07:00

i just read that the stress caused by procrastination can shorten your lifespan by as much as 8 years

fuck!

2007-07-14T06:55:00.000-07:00

"i think it's dark and it looks like rain" you said
"and the wind is blowing like it's the end of the
world" you said
"and it's so cold it's like the
cold if you were dead"
and then you smiled for
a second

"i think i'm old and i'm feeling in pain" you said
"and it's all running out like it's the end of the
world" you said
"and it's so cold it's like the
cold if you were dead"
and then you smiled for
a second

sometimes you make me feel like i'm living at
the edge of the world like i'm living at the edge
of the world
"it's just the way i smile" you said

Every breath of this is me
hear it, read it, you know me no more than i do, ever will
of course beauty, 'happiness' is accompanied by an everlasting sense of emptiness
and of the unknown, things that can never be discovered
i'll search forever, leave pieces of sadness, of knowledge, loneliness only detected by those the same, and that is enough
just a trail, but the trail has no destination, no one at the end
you'll find only thoughts.. stranger than anything you could ever dream. i will share them, but that's all. you'll never get any deeper,
you'll never be let in
i can't get in myself

ambiguity is certain

i'll smile for a second, but not before the end of the world

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbFD0xQtjS4

Crazy? Yes! Dumb? No!

2007-07-09T23:22:00.000-07:00

Read over my pre-holiday post. Jesus H-Christ as jesse would say, why was i nervous? this holiday really delivered, it was mint

this is where i stayed for 2 weeks, Jesse & Alex's place, Drummond St, Mt. Cook, wellington.

this is how you enter Jesse & Alex's place!

my goodness they have an amazing flat. once you're through the trapdoor you go up some stairs then there's stairs going up & stairs going down. down you pass the bathroom & arrive in the kitchen and alex's room, upstairs is jesse's room and up some more stairs is this balcony thing: (stairs to balcony)

i clearly felt v. uncomfortable in this photo

my plane trip was quicker than usual only about 2.5 hours or maybe even less because of a good tail wind. i made friends on the plane which was nice. i'm usually the last person off the plane too but not this time i was out in a flash and through customs in a dash and had collected my bag in a fucken snatch so i ended up being like the 3rd person out or something and there were all these hungry eyes staring at me and i was thinking omg i'm so uncharacteristically early that jesse isn't even here yet and i was like yikes yikes but then when i had almost gotten past the stage where anyone could have claimed me as theirs i hear 'rachel!' and there she comes hurrying out of the crowd. i love how even though we see eachother no more than once a year, we just pick up where we left off / i have way more to say to her than many of my 'friends' i see virtually every day! not a moment of awkwardness.

she has a black bob now! it's so funny, everytime i come over her hair has gotten shorter and darker, and mine has gotten longer & lighter, from lazyness & more time spent in the sunshine. a reflection on our personalities i guess. or, 'but that's just our personality' as jess would say.

so we got a cab back to hers and i was smiling looking at all the places i don't realise i miss until i come back, and the (maori) driver was laughing at my (maori) accent of 'rongotai' and shit haha. we got dropped at the flat and i was speechless when i saw their front door.
once again, i stress

the first couple of days it took me so much twisting of the back and stuff to master the entrance like jess & alex but soon i took it with ease.

we went to town & went to this cafe fidels (we went there basically everyday) where they have the best coffee milkshakes but i never bought one myself just drank others leftovers. then jesse's friend zhoe walked past and we discussed that later we'd go to her friends flat then to a bar called goodluck to see the bonnie scarlets. this was all so long ago that i barely remember, and there are no photos to jog my memory because i was too drunk, but i think we got ready, bought some wine and went to this guys place somewhere between 8 & 9 pm? i met jesse's friend dante who was waiting to meet us, he liked my shoes. another amazing flat, upstairs in this loft was a bedroom with a real low ceiling is where we sat to drink, jesse, rachel, zhoe, dante and another boy who's name i can't remember! we went to goodluck a bit too early i think, maybe around 10.30. they didn't even ask me for id. it was a lovely underground bar with a smoky atmosphere. it was also 'polyprop' night hahahah which we had no idea about but some fucking loser who had a whole bag or polyprops gave me a wickedly ugly one for my wrists. everything is so much cheaper there, it was either free or less than $5 if i remember right, and the drinks were cheaper too. i drank random shit which i think contributed to the sickest i've ever felt, considering i never get hangovers. it was like cucumber and rum and stuff possibly. scarlets were real good

the next morning i woke up at about 7am in a horrible hot sweat and despite the freezing temperatures i was willingly sitting outside of the blankets and visiting the letterbox. fuck, but then i got freezing and whoozy and if i continued to stand vomit was a possibility so i went back to bed & we woke up at about 12 or later which i was sad at because i wanted pancakes from mcdonalds. both jess and i were incredibly sick but i couldnt vomit although i really needed too and we had really weak limbs and couldnt understand it, it didn't seem the right after effects of alcohol. i can't remember a lot of things from this day onwards it's all just a wonderful blur of cafe food, opshopping, dancing to rihanna and late nights so i'll just post some photos and maybe captions will come to mind.

oh yeah this was saturday night, melissa and alex playing red/black. i was not drinking this night as i still felt queasy and the sight of beers was enough to encourage vom!

jesse really dug ratatat, which wasn't on the welly scope

UMBRELLA!
we got a taxi real late, we were meant to meet zhoe and dante and stuff at about 8, then 9, but we left about 11.45. went to a place called mightymighty. a real purposely tacky place and fuck there was this guy there who was also at goodluck after the bonnie scarlets played an ii absolutely hate him/them. they're called tommy l or something and they do hip hop/rap covers whilst stealing good bands already established rifs and beats and stuff ahh. it was so unbelievably shit that we went to another funny place which was actually disgusting called hope bros i think, lots of jocks and people i remembered from intermediate school. one girl kept rubbing her behind all over jesse and she got so pissed that she pushed her off this stage we were on and then we bolted! i went to both these places with an id of a girl who was 25 and had blonde hair- it's such a cinch!

the next night frith stayed at the flat after we'd been opshopping and had afternoon tea in miramar haha. she's from an organic family so we went back to hers to get some food for a nice dinner that night:

it was yum.

we took ruby to a play about the 3 little pigs at friths work

vaporizing

there's this amazing chinese takeaway near the flat i'm shocked i can't remember the name, possibly ricebowl. anyway, amazing burgers chips & milkshakes

INDECISIVE!

we went to island bay to eat in the car i think. we also went to lucy's house until about 9.30pm but i was an anti social blob on the carpet because i had weak limbs and neck. we left to get changed and go to town. wednesday night is student night there. as we were driving back to the flat alex saw dante who apparently looked incredibly sad because it was his birthday but no one was around and he'd gone to the flat but noone was home so he was sadly moping around on the streets so we picked him up and lay in bed laughing about all the boys in jesses life until nearly midnight.

alex is hungry!

alex is happy!

we went to midnight espresso or something of a similar name to do just what the name says.

on my last saturday we sat inside most of the day because it was freeezeezingly cold :) but then me frith and jesse decided we had to venture out, to get gelato and a video. we picked pledge this! hahaha worst movie. it lacks everything possible in a good movie and all its attributes aren't attributes at all, and paris hilton is the star. so we put it back in its box and gave it to a girl who was having a gathering that night with the words 'happy birthday!'

oh and i bought a formal dress! could things get more crazy

there's something about the alcohol over there that attacks my body so much more than here. drinking felt like a chore, i mean it's effects were definitely welcome however it took a lot of willpower to get there. card games helped

I HATE HAIRCUTS, frith doesn't like eyes.

i really hate haircuts!

those photos were really fun, just like a full on session of smashing into everyone and letting your limbs fly everywhere in a drunk state. we went to the girls place who got a pledge this. i saw sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many people from intermediate school who i hadn't seen in about 5 years so that was crazy. i lost my friends at one stage and felt quiet so i lay down on a couch in the middle of the room with my hands over my head and people kept saying 'are you ok' but i wouldnt reply! then umbrella came on and alex was pyscho dancing like she does and then someone whipped out an actual umbrella and it kind of killed it though sort of.

we went to town after and a lovely girl maeve lent me her id and we went to goodluck again. jesse was happy because her ex-friend walked past and her boyfriend waved and jesse waved then the ex-friend waved and she didn't wave and neither did we. i wouldnt have minded waving because i hadn't seen her in over a year and had no particular reason for dislike, but i was outnumbered. fuck it was packed, we battled other people and alex the foolish, foolish fiend took off her shoes and when we were loitering outside laterz on cuba we noticed her feet were sliced in half kind of and bleeding all over the place. haha. but then about 5 minutes later when i'd taken off my shoes to walk home i stepped on either a piece of glass which caused a deep gash or a syringe which caused a deep gash and hepatitis slash HIV slash some form of harmful disease. hopefully not the latter. so i wasn't laughing anymore and we got a 'my foots cut, five dollars?' taxi.

sunday was my last full day

we were awoken to the sounds of I WANT COFFEE MILKSHAKE I WANT COFFEE MILKSHAKE !!!!!!!!! so we went and got coffee milkshake!

so we went to fidels to get coffee milkshake! then we sat in a sunny park because sunshine is very rare!!

meandered around casually for the rest of the day. that night we went to a little unhygienic place i had sorely missed, satay mingdom AKA satay kingdom. that was nice, got a whole range of stuff and we couldnt help but notice that the food, though delicious, goes cold awfully quickly. we also found a hair! miam miam!

the next morning we got up real early (8 o' clock) to make the most of my last day until i had to be at the airport at 2 o' clock. i didn't wake up alex to say goodbye because i thought i'd see her later but i didn't. wah :( bye alex! we walked to wellington photographics so frith and jesse could print some of my photos for themselves, then we left frith at work, got some breakfast at a place near the embassy theatre, returned to get photos, waited for like an hour! got coffee from laffare (we went there nearly every day) for frith, visited frith, i said bye to frith :( and we promised we'd see eachother again when she comes to syd with alex and melissa. hahahha we caught 2 buses to get to the airport because we were too cheap for a taxi. it took me way too long for my liking to haul my bag onto the bus and ii felt everyones hungry eyes burrowing into my soul for holding up their bus. yeah whatevs! we had to wait so fucken long because my plane was delayed like 2 hours but i guess that was good because of course i didn't want to come back to sydney. eventually jess had to go and we had our normal funny goodbye where we jokingly go to hug eachother but neither one of us wants to and people watch thinking god what an awkward relationship but really it's wonderful! i made friends on the plane again. this old lady said my german heritage was very prominent

i'm more at home there than i am here

:)

@ the airport. HIDING THOSE TEARS JESSE?

i'm back in town

BYE!

2007-06-27T05:33:00.000-07:00

My last bloggidy for a while!!
i'm leaving early tomorrow for my flight. it's 10.33pm and i still haven't packed eep! i'm not worried i always leave it to the last minute.
i had quite a busy afternoon, i left at 4.00 with tom to go to the northbridge opshop because it has great stuff. i went in wanting to find a big red jumper, some high-waisted and really tight black pants that i could alter into a short/underwear type thing and a necklace if i was lucky. i got all of those things!! the necklace is lovely it's a pearl colour and gold trimmed china shell i really like it. fuck that reminds me i still need to alter my pants before i go! yikes
then i dropped tom at the station because he was going with his musos to a thing at the opera house, then i went to chatswood chase to buy underwear and mascara, then i saw amer's mom and got to enjoy her lovely seal laugh, then i went back to northbridge to pick up my pay from work then i went home, chilled quickly, ate some dinner then went to danik's quickly (but she wouldn't let me go!) and we talked aimlessly in her windy room whilst red lights fucked blowholes THEN when i finally escaped her (loving) grasps i drove to allambie to see jobe-atron and i forgot that you have to turn like 3 times to get to his street because it was dark and things so i FINALLY found it and found his familiar gate and then the lovely boy himself opened the door, he was babysitting conny who i think is so cute, then we just laughed at people on the computer, he complained about having no milk, we watched house, talked about having backwards knees then i didn't like what he was talking about so i hid kinda (-this is not a good personality trait yet i continue to do it!) then i got a phonecall and had to go pick tom up at the station at about 9.30. THEN i had to go get my jacket from katie lucky she lives v. close, because it was getting late for a weeknight and i was scared to wake people up knocking on the door!

i feel weird, because earlier in the day at school when i was going to my last class for the day phil was acting as if it was the last time he'd see me before i left but i was like don't be daft of course i'll see you later tonight or something, and brushed away his goodbyes. this did not occur!

there's a feeling in my stomach i can't quite put my finger on. i think it's nerves. i'm not sure why, because i've never seen jesse for more than once a year since i left wellseph. hmm. i feel like i'm leaving at a time i shouldn't be or something. i don't know, but i do know despite these nerves i'm MAD PYSCHED !!!!

oh i'm missing terry's 18th, it's really funny he was quite select with his invitations and random people got barred bahahhaah oh well i got an invite. kinda sad i wont be here for it, the invites were all pirate lingo and shit fuck yeah gotta love that!

i really have to go and alter my pants and pack my bags and sort stuff out so i can leave on good terms with a calm mind
love me, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMWA

Stop Right Here But Continue If You Wish, Because The Puzzle Is Not Quite Complete, But It's Getting There

2007-06-26T01:13:00.000-07:00

Everything feels good at the moment
things that seemed bad really aren't once my favourites put them into perspective, and those things that had the possibility to be great really delivered.
i feel like people who maybe never got to absorb my true personality finally have (and with little time to spare) and it just results in a whole room of giggles when paired with my favourites. it shouldn't really stop now and i don't think it will,

stress is about to pass come my holiday back to wellington, the plane trip by myself will surely be amazing, as long as i have mini schweppes and diet cokes. schweppes lemy maybe because that drink keeps me from feeling nauseous whilst airborne

i should really stop worrying about time and the ageing process and just enjoy being young, youthful while it lasts. and Yet, despite only ever being in love with a beer bottle & a mirror, what does it matter because that time will arrive and self acceptance is a lovely thing

yes, quite.

Ghoulie or Ghostie or wee student beastie !!

2007-06-24T02:58:00.000-07:00

Oh time, we have had this dispute time and time again !! i don't like you and you definitely do not like me. you limit my recreational time and i don't treat you like the wonderful creature that YOU ARE NOT! . if time was so kind as to just slow down for a bit or hand me a small remote which i could use at my discretion and i promise not toooo often i would press it's button labelled "STOP TIME"
if i had this wonderful creation i could have paused today so i could do my modern history heaps early in the morn, well i would pause it in the morning so technically it would be morning but if i hadn't (hypothetically) denied physicalities the day would have passed and since I DONT HAVE THIS REMOTE THIS IS WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND THIS DAY HAS SUCKED AND I HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANYWHERE ON MY MODERN (which is due tomorrow) and in turn i had to deny 3 invitations which i really would have liked to accept ! breakfast with amer; nope, sorry. lunch with DK and phil @ the beach; nope, sorry. dinner with DK and heaps of others; nope, sorry. all of these invitations involved meals and i love meals and i also love invitations so fuck you you faceless fagg-ly.
i have come to realise that i am glad for my young age having accepted that time and ultimately ageing is inevitable. (or have i not seeing as i want a remote with a magic hopefully big red button?) you see, by the time christmas 2008 rocks around, i will still be 18, will have been out of school for a year, will have travelled a large portion of the world, be living in a shabby apartment @ bondi beach with phil, and will have either just/about to embark on a month or two in tokyo. whereas, my friends who love gloating about the fact that omg they're all 18 now will be either in their first year of uni or 19/ nearly 20 and when i start uni the following year i'll be the age that they were when they started. oh life is sweet ! i feel like i have the upperhand in the sense that i have more life or something. + when (and i am sort of not gloating here) they are 30 and suddenly have to think about spooky decisions like kids and marriage and where is this career going i can be like well i'm 29 i'm still young, got heaps of life and everything still points up. not that all those previously mentioned things aren't wonderful, i just personally can't see myself ever growing up and embracing them until i'm well into my 30's and that is a hideous thought because instead of using like .. moisturiser for young skin i'll be stocking up on wrinkle fighters and botox injections.
phil even said that he plans to kill himself on his 24th birthday because how could he possible live past that age. i whole heartedly agree, the prospect of not being a teenager scares the living daylights out of me like a ghost floating through a wall or something. no actually i think that would be quite pleasant and i'd want to make friends with it ! i'm drifting here, basically i hate time and everything it does i want it to just STOP so i dont finish school and i dont have to grow up and i dont have to be an age that doesn't start with 1. i say this because i reckon if i reach 100 i'll be such a cool chick ! the fab pensioner who is notorious either in the sense that they smell like cat and throw their cats at the little kids (damn you!) or hasn't changed their wardrobe since their prime. aka since NOW ! but every other age between then is spoooooky.
time time time CHANGES THE ESSENCE, as i like to stick to.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

2007-06-20T00:22:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness life! is good at the moment

yep i got my license, despite an awful reverse parallel & even curb side stop!! i had to do it in the new car and it has all this stuff im not used to ie footbrake (not handbrake) and the gearstick for reverse and drive and stoof is like where the windscreen wiper lever would be ahh! and for some reason me (AKA queen of reverse parallels) felt it neccessary for the first time ever to not turn my wheel far enough left(ask me why and i cannot tell you!!) so i ended up soooooooooooooooooo far from the curb

maybe that far
but a bit of nudging about got me at a respectable distance..
:)
haha me DK phil jordan and hannah went to maxy b. on monday night (vechile/driving courtesey of me!) and we were on a main road @ night and all of a sudden i noticed my lane start to suspiciously shrink- just like my tolerance to milk- and then wasnt there at all so i yelped and swerved into the next. i did not see any warning sign that the left lane ended and please merge to the right ,if i had the time/motivation to complain i'm sure i would but this isn't the case

secondly, only like... 7 1/2 days until i leave wahoo.! my flight is nice n' early which is great because i simply love getting up early for flights and driving to the airport and getting a limonata to wake me up but seeing as it's winter i think i'll have to settle for coffee this time! then i'll arrive and have to scan for jesse in the crowd, despite not having seen her for more than a year and she now has a bob. i can't wait to stay in hers and alex's flat, i'm so excited that they live alone. she said she eats porridge day in day out, we will make leather moccasins (spelling?) and on the first night is her uni fashion show or something. with a catwalk and shit fuck yeah im excited. i will freeze though, i remember that much :)

YES I AM GOING TO THE CONCERT OF THE BEST BAND EVER TO GRACE THE PLANET AND INFACT THE WHOLE SOLAR SYSTEM, MAYBE EVEN UNIVERSE. i can't wait. it's on the last day of my trials which couldn't be better ! on dani's proposed 18th night though so that is a slight downside. me + jobe
:)
it's all smiles this week!

Don't Step On The Cracks

2007-06-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

last night i went over to my besty bests house DK at maybe about 8.30 and her car wasnt there and i was like oh shit shes pulled a DK and gone walkabout and im about to be left with the fam so i'll have to go find my lonely corner ! haha but that was not the case, i was approaching the door and i heard the voices of Deeky and Zooey. yayy. drinks and smokes on the balcony watching the rain fall and listening to cinders pee through the cracks in the wood ! hahaa. zoe was eagerly waiting for jordan to arrive with her pizza but he was sooo long we're talking hours. we moved inside it got a bit cold. watched a movie. dan spilled her drink all over the keyboard haha it got so fucked up. then my other fave phil AKA crazyhorse arrived with anna, holly, kaitlyn, annie and i think thats it. it was so funny at the same time they arrived so did this weird old lady and she was waving to DK and DK was like erm ok wave back but then she started approaching the car and the girls were like screaming and locked their doors and the lady was like looking in the windows and to this moment we still do not know who she was !! jords and hannah arrived soon after. rady rar, things happened, laughs occurred, then all of a sudden everyone was off to kaitlyns i think but i was feeling home so me and phil stayed at danis after everyone had gone and stayed warm on the couch until tom came and picked us up !
I'M LEAVING IN 11 DAYS

(see the sun is gone again)

2007-06-14T02:32:00.000-07:00

TODAY ON THE ROUTE HOME WE DROVE PAST STANDARD CHURCH. NATURALLY, I LOOKED OUT THA WINDOW TO CHECK OUT WHAT THEIR MESSAGE WAS 2DAY.

"GOD DOESN'T BELIEVE IN ATHEISTS THEREFORE ATHEISTS DON'T EXIST"

!!! GET OUT. THE WINDOWS FOGGED UP WITH FURY (FROM ME). GET OUT

on a happier note, i did myyyy english, went well i thought. DIDNT do my biology seeing as the "teacher" is a fucking ditz and got through like six 5min speeches in 1.5HOURS> crazy yo. i could really give her the name slowpoke except no way mayn she doesn't deserve a pokemon name no way has she got that status.
MER

All The Faces All The Voices Blur

2007-06-14T02:14:00.000-07:00

this song never fails to give me shivers

they're so close to arriving on our shores i can almost smell it. and i just can feel that it will be during my HSC, or on the night of y12 formal or something. i dont really care, i would throw it all away for a night with them & their amazing music. i love

HSC And A !Kitten!

2007-06-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

This week has been very satisfying for me in the HSC department !!
by saturday i will have gotten one english assesswa out of the way, one biology assesswa out of the way and done 2/3 of my art majorwork photos. yayyy for me!

for engy we have to do a visual representation of POWERPLAY! rah! (plus rationale)
phil posed for mine:

the second shot wasn't serious he was just being a dreamboat. sooo many people's are sooo boring that i've seen, they write like POWER in the middle and then cut out letters to form obvious words and the whole thing is just so obvious it makes me sick !

that afternoon after photog. i went back to phils with him and matt, got coffee from a man who asked me if i wanted sugar and i said noo! but then he whispered 'come here' and started sprinkling sugar in it saying 'you're sweet so your coffee is sweet' and wah it was hideous tasting everytime i got a big granule of brown sugar .

i saw phil's new kitten ! fifi, as light as a feather and as pretty as a flower.

naww!

10/06/07

2007-06-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

yesterday was we love sounds. it was fun, it claimed nothing on bdo but it was a nice day out w/ everyone
we were waiting outside for ages coz jay's ticket was with aarons friend who hadn't shown so maybe like 2 hours is a good estimate?! we were kept entertained by katie.
this is katie:

she's a bag of fun especially when you get some drinks in her underpants, and they soon transfer into her mouth !

then i saw jobe ! from a distance i thought i recognised that slim frame and big brown hair so i yelled and he turned and when he realised the company he glided over the meadows to embrace me and DK. it was far too brief though i just spoke to him via telephone and he just explained the situation was awkward for him because of ppl from his old school being there

we had a quick girly snap

danyo and jordsyo !

omg holla jordz. it was hot in there

there's actually really good intentions behind this photo, a guy wanted a photo with us doing the pose on his tshirt so we all tried to do the pose on his tshirt but the photographic evidence makes it look not so impressive but at the time it really was

and this guy was the biggest legend that we met

i think him and jay are soulmates possibly we lost her a few times because of this fellow he was such an inspiration with his good intentions and headshaking and lying on the floor amidst 1000s of people.

umm this was at a point in the night when me and deej were telling eachother how great we looked..

there were so many disgusting electro kids. if i were able to vomit i'd projectile it all over they're faces and fluoro shirts .

they're like a never ending swarm !

this isn't my headband, it's jobes but i'm never giving it back i realised, especially since he said i could have it :)

me DK and jordan got a taxi back from oxford st. at about 1.30 because our feet were really tired . even the 5 min walk home killed me and i thought i was being followed.
i was a armless zombie because my arms were safely tucked inside my shirt
jay appreciated my raspy voice
and a boy from the servo thought i was looking for biscuits in the fucking refrigerator but he didn't realise he asked what food i recommended and i replied biscuits, i wasn't actually looking for biscuits for myself in the water section

fucker ! a nice day

(faux) shoplifting

2007-06-09T05:03:00.000-07:00

I'm fucking sick of being treated like a derelict ! is it my appearance? my clothes my hair what is it, do i have the appearance of an unkempt watch out this girl shoplifts? i never, only jobe! hahaha. like, i was leaving k-mart after purchasing some modest sandshoes, and the lady asked to check my bag AFTER i'd made my purchase (i know this is standard for 'teens' but..) then she saw some pawpaw lipbalm that i'd had for eternitys and she looked at it then winked and did a 'get outta here' motion- in other words she thought i'd stolen it but was saying go on, scat cat i won't tell. bitch ! my eyes were like laserbeams burning her soul !
then, i was leaving another shop and as i'd purchased like a birthday card or something i got to the doors of the shop and the security lady asked to look inside my STORE bag which had my bday card in and was sealed with tape. fuck ! burn in hell, not that that shit exists
i feel like a good book, paired with a nice large cap with x froth and a six pack o' donuts. i feel like a lot of things- clearer weather, yoshi's story, tom to get back and some internal warming.
i miss tom, it's not fair that he should keep leaving me. on an extremely selfish note, i hope i am blessed with death before him so i dont have to miss him ! not for decades though, i want a fulfilling life. i'll get him back next year when i flee the country for a year ! i was thinking about it and there really is only a few people i will truly miss. i think there are a few fake friendships that i will be glad when they move on in my absence, less pretending and more time for the good stuff. focus my time since there's clearly not enough !!